YOU’VE settled in for a classic with the kids only to be confronted with an excruciating, lengthy f**kfest you’d forgotten about. These movies hide their sexy secrets:
Grease is a PG movie of catchy songs, 40-year-old teenagers, true love and and, of course, Rizzo and Kenickie discovering his rubber’s broken and having unprotected sex, followed by pregnancy. Be ready to explain why Rizzo’s so jubilant at the end.
A beloved classic that you’re sure will delight your kids, until the scene where Dan Aykroyd receives a blowjob from a spectre. A subtle and well-timed fast forward should save you any awkward conversations apart from the ones about why everyone’s always smoking.
Love Actually (2003)
For whatever reason, the nude stand-in scenes with Martin Freeman and Joanna Page don’t stick in the mind like Hugh Grant dancing around Downing Street or Emma Thompson weeping. But they’re there, they’re awkward and they run through the whole movie.
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
The sequel doesn’t live up to the original, but it does feature a completely out-of-place slow-motion rave orgy that will stun you and the children you’re watching it with into silence. And like all the best incongruous sex scenes, it has no relevance at all to the plot.
The kids are verging on teenagers, they’re not totally naive, you’ve remembered the diarrhoea scene and you’re convinced you’ll all find it hilarious together. So you turn it on and the first five minutes Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm going at it. And not in a ‘sometimes, when two people love each other very much’ way. Just f**king.