YOU know you shouldn’t do it, but you can’t help it. These are the gross habits you carry through life that are repulsive even to you:
Picking your nose
If your nose isn’t meant to be picked, why are your fingers the perfect size to do it? You can’t have permanently crusty nasal passages. But what do you do with your haul after the fishing is done? Smearer or gobbler, you’re a disgrace.
Ignoring your feet
When you shower you’re not arsed to actually bend down and soap them, and your talon-like toenails get torn rather than trimmed. And between the toes? A collection of fungi that would make a rotting tree-stump proud, sloughed off onto the carpet when nobody’s looking.
Scratching your dandruff
The whole office watches you scratching the flaky skin on your head then checking your shoulders to see if you’ve got any big bits. The whole train watched you on the way in, just like the whole class used to watch you when you were 14. And still, shamingly, you carry on.
Never changing your sheets
You tell yourself you change your fetid bedsheets every other week, but when exactly was that ‘other week’? September? July? March? Because the yellow-stained pillows and the potent aroma of sweat and wanking are giving you the nightmares you deserve.
Your post-toilet routine
The days of soaping your hands singing ‘Happy Birthday’ are long gone. Now it’s a quick rinse because come on, you hardly touched anything. Apart from your dick, and the door and the lock and the toilet seat, but only quickly so the germs didn’t have time to climb onto your hands. Now for some crisps.
Smelling stuff you already know smells foul
Your farts after a bowl of French onion soup. Your pants when you peel them off at the end of the day, your fingers after a good scratch of the old ballsack, the milk that you can clearly see is lumpy… why can’t you resist the siren call of things you know are disgusting?