Six disgusting habits that you just can't stop

YOU know you shouldn’t do it, but you can’t help it. These are the gross habits you carry through life that are repulsive even to you: 

Picking your nose

If your nose isn’t meant to be picked, why are your fingers the perfect size to do it? You can’t have permanently crusty nasal passages. But what do you do with your haul after the fishing is done? Smearer or gobbler, you’re a disgrace.

Ignoring your feet

When you shower you’re not arsed to actually bend down and soap them, and your talon-like toenails get torn rather than trimmed. And between the toes? A collection of fungi that would make a rotting tree-stump proud, sloughed off onto the carpet when nobody’s looking.

Scratching your dandruff

The whole office watches you scratching the flaky skin on your head then checking your shoulders to see if you’ve got any big bits. The whole train watched you on the way in, just like the whole class used to watch you when you were 14. And still, shamingly, you carry on.

Never changing your sheets

You tell yourself you change your fetid bedsheets every other week, but when exactly was that ‘other week’? September? July? March? Because the yellow-stained pillows and the potent aroma of sweat and wanking are giving you the nightmares you deserve.

Your post-toilet routine

The days of soaping your hands singing ‘Happy Birthday’ are long gone. Now it’s a quick rinse because come on, you hardly touched anything. Apart from your dick, and the door and the lock and the toilet seat, but only quickly so the germs didn’t have time to climb onto your hands. Now for some crisps.

Smelling stuff you already know smells foul

Your farts after a bowl of French onion soup. Your pants when you peel them off at the end of the day, your fingers after a good scratch of the old ballsack, the milk that you can clearly see is lumpy… why can’t you resist the siren call of things you know are disgusting?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Twat refusing to wear a mask on bus thinks he's Rosa Parks or something

A MAN refusing to wear a mask on a bus believes he is part of a long line of important political activists rather than an annoying prick.

Jack Browne is convinced he is at the forefront of a new civil rights movement making a principled stand against government restrictions of our fundamental freedoms, while everyone else on the bus thinks he is a twat.

Browne said: “I will not comply. I do not consent. I stand in the path of these draconian measures like the Tiananmen Square tank guy, despite my girlfriend whispering ‘Can you please stop being such a bellend?’

“Just like Rosa Parks made her stand on a bus about whatever she was on about, I am making my stand on the number 12 Gloucester to Quedgeley service.

“The globalist overlords won’t muzzle me. I’m not cowed by the threat of being arrested and on the front page of every newspaper tomorrow and becoming the leader of a national rebellion and going down in history.

“Yes, I am unmasked. But I do this not for myself, but for the muddled masses yearning to breathe free. Cast off your masks! Cry freedom!”

Browne’s girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “The second we’re off this bus he’s dumped.”