Uncharitable Christmas Appeal: donate now and stop a lifeboat saving people

JUST a few pounds of your money can help stop the launch of a lifeboat that might rescue migrants. Here’s what you’ll get for your donation:

£5: Pays for a bus ticket for a bigot to visit Hastings lifeboat station to shout anti-immigration rhetoric, like the highly original ‘Send ‘em back! We’re full!’ Enjoy a warm glow inside knowing you’ve done your bit for racism during the season of goodwill.

£9.50: Receive a commemorative print of a newspaper story about this proud moment in history. Would make a great present for friends or family who already have framed newspaper cuttings of them being arrested for lower-league football violence.

£15: Buys a roll of barbed wire to place on the beach. Won’t stop desperate people who’ve travelled from Syria and will get removed by the council but will give you happy thoughts of D-Day, not realising that you’ve put yourself on the Nazi side.

£20: With 100 donations of £20, we will commission a senior figure in the Conservative party to write a Telegraph column giving an air of respectability to inflammatory distortions about migrants flocking here for free pizza and iPhones.

£35: Sponsor a xenophobic thug. Similar to sponsoring an endangered leopard, your cash will provide them with food and lager. You’ll receive regular pictures of them harassing lifeboat crews and mouthing off in the pub. Includes a plush cuddly toy of the lairy-looking f**ker.

£75: Join a protest on the beach yourself! You’ll meet wonderfully horrible people telling earthy jokes like ‘How d’you stop a migrant drowning?’ and chuckling at their own sick hilarity. Includes Christmas dinner.

£150: Will help charter a boat to block the path of a lifeboat answering an emergency call. Don’t worry – there’s no legal liability if the dickheads on board cause a maritime disaster.

£1,600: Plant your own naval mine in the Channel. Very much the deluxe option, but if you can afford it, buy several and bag a French fishing boat into the bargain.

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Six rebel songs that are bollocks now you're old and sensible

REMEMBER these rebellious songs that had you righteously aflame in your youth? How misguided they seem to older, wiser, middle-aged you.

Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2) by Pink Floyd

Teachers – who are sadist perverts – turn pupils into mindless, conformist zombies. Or, looking back, they did their best with Richard III and wanted you to go to university. Pink Floyd made more sense when you were shitting yourself about not revising for A-level maths.

Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine

Pointing out racism and hypocrisy are bad doesn’t feel like as urgent and necessary now. Also, ‘F**k you, I won’t do what you tell me’ is not a phrase you can ever use unless you want a written warning, to be ejected from Nando’s or to be a truly terrible spouse.

All You Need Is Love by The Beatles

As your many failed relationships can attest, you need a bunch of other stuff, including but not limited to: money, vaguely interesting conversation, high standards of personal hygiene, the ability to read minds and, most importantly, a car.

Anarchy in the UK by The Sex Pistols

Smashing everything without a plan in place is a really bad idea. Weirdly you learned this from Brexit. So well done, Leavers, for having a grasp of international economies less sophisticated than a sneering teenager who performed while being gobbed on.

I’m Waiting for the Man by The Velvet Underground

Lou Reed’s New York drug subculture sounded romantic and exciting. Nowadays you realise it combined heroin withdrawal with waiting for a commuter train that might not show up, eg Southern Rail. You’re not totally square yet though. You’d try opiates if you could get them safely and reliably from Ocado.

F**k Tha Police by NWA

Dr Dre, Ice Cube and Eazy-E were right to distrust the cops. But in fairness, they turned up quickly when your shed got broken into, and it’s lucky someone’s there to investigate dead bodies because you’d probably be sick. And you’re prepared to bet when Beats headphones are getting shoplifted Dre isn’t calling the Crips.

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