JUST a few pounds of your money can help stop the launch of a lifeboat that might rescue migrants. Here’s what you’ll get for your donation:
£5: Pays for a bus ticket for a bigot to visit Hastings lifeboat station to shout anti-immigration rhetoric, like the highly original ‘Send ‘em back! We’re full!’ Enjoy a warm glow inside knowing you’ve done your bit for racism during the season of goodwill.
£9.50: Receive a commemorative print of a newspaper story about this proud moment in history. Would make a great present for friends or family who already have framed newspaper cuttings of them being arrested for lower-league football violence.
£15: Buys a roll of barbed wire to place on the beach. Won’t stop desperate people who’ve travelled from Syria and will get removed by the council but will give you happy thoughts of D-Day, not realising that you’ve put yourself on the Nazi side.
£20: With 100 donations of £20, we will commission a senior figure in the Conservative party to write a Telegraph column giving an air of respectability to inflammatory distortions about migrants flocking here for free pizza and iPhones.
£35: Sponsor a xenophobic thug. Similar to sponsoring an endangered leopard, your cash will provide them with food and lager. You’ll receive regular pictures of them harassing lifeboat crews and mouthing off in the pub. Includes a plush cuddly toy of the lairy-looking f**ker.
£75: Join a protest on the beach yourself! You’ll meet wonderfully horrible people telling earthy jokes like ‘How d’you stop a migrant drowning?’ and chuckling at their own sick hilarity. Includes Christmas dinner.
£150: Will help charter a boat to block the path of a lifeboat answering an emergency call. Don’t worry – there’s no legal liability if the dickheads on board cause a maritime disaster.
£1,600: Plant your own naval mine in the Channel. Very much the deluxe option, but if you can afford it, buy several and bag a French fishing boat into the bargain.