Friday, 14th May 2021

Five uncontroversial musicians for bland people

ARE you undeniably dull? Looking for musicians to create a background noise that won’t challenge you in any way? These five artists are perfect: 

Michael Bublé

Nothing about Michael is alienating, from his gentle crooner cover back-catalogue to being from f**king Canada. If your breakfast is always bran flakes and your dinner always soup, you’ll feel cradled by his monotonous songs about having a wife, missing your wife and genuinely enjoying doing the dishes to make said wife happy.

Maroon 5

Lead vocalist Adam Levine is a bad boy for people who have never met a bad boy, but imagine he would play a lot of pool in dive bars. Yeah heavily tattooed, but Maroon 5 are so monstrously unimaginative that even songs written on mushrooms about boning and Mick Jagger make the perfect soundtrack for a trip to the dental hygenist.

Mumford & Sons

This Christian folk rock band who shot to fame on about three songs and started doing arena tours off the back of them are as unchallenging as you can get. They even asked their weird alt-right band mate to take a break after he took some heat for a tweet, the dull bastards.

U2

Poor U2. They tried so hard to be edgy. They wrote songs about the Troubles and did the dance music infuence thing and everything, and still ended up so bland that they arrive univited on your iTunes and you listen to the whole album and still hear nothing. It’s their triumph and their tragedy.

Paul McCartney

Lennon did some shit music, but it was at least aggressively, in-your-face shit. Paul really is the bland man’s Beatle, with Wings and his solo work representing a concerted move from White Album excess to middle-of-the-road vegetarian music that you can play in the car without upsetting your elderly mum. He was always her favourite.