Five uncontroversial musicians for bland people

ARE you undeniably dull? Looking for musicians to create a background noise that won’t challenge you in any way? These five artists are perfect:

Michael Bublé

Nothing about Michael is alienating, from his gentle crooner cover back-catalogue to being from f**king Canada. If your breakfast is always bran flakes and your dinner always soup, you’ll feel cradled by his monotonous songs about having a wife, missing your wife and genuinely enjoying doing the dishes to make said wife happy.

Maroon 5

Lead vocalist Adam Levine is a bad boy for people who have never met a bad boy, but imagine he would play a lot of pool in dive bars. Yeah heavily tattooed, but Maroon 5 are so monstrously unimaginative that even songs written on mushrooms about boning and Mick Jagger make the perfect soundtrack for a trip to the dental hygenist.

Mumford & Sons

This Christian folk rock band who shot to fame on about three songs and started doing arena tours off the back of them are as unchallenging as you can get. They even asked their weird alt-right band mate to take a break after he took some heat for a tweet, the dull bastards.

Poor U2. They tried so hard to be edgy. They wrote songs about the Troubles and did the dance music infuence thing and everything, and still ended up so bland that they arrive univited on your iTunes and you listen to the whole album and still hear nothing. It’s their triumph and their tragedy.

Paul McCartney

Lennon did some shit music, but it was at least aggressively, in-your-face shit. Paul really is the bland man’s Beatle, with Wings and his solo work representing a concerted move from White Album excess to middle-of-the-road vegetarian music that you can play in the car without upsetting your elderly mum. He was always her favourite.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Six signs that you're no longer completely skint

MOVING up in the world? Splashing out on little luxuries, such as washing your hands in hot water? Here’s some other signs that you’re no longer flat broke:

Taking a crap at home

Skint You saved those expensive cable-laying sessions for work, where someone else is paying for the toilet paper. Wealthy You can luxuriate in having a dump in privacy without knowing exactly which fellow miser’s shuffling into the next cubicle by the sound of their sigh.

Having a store-bought sandwich for lunch

You’re now in the heady world of combination ingredients. Two ingredients are good – ham and cheese, tuna and sweetcorn, cheese and pickle – but a three-ingredient sandwich like BLT or sausage, bacon and egg are an announcement that you’re financially secure to the whole world.

Passing change in the gutter

When you can see 5p lying next to a grid and just walk on by, you’re financially comfortable. When it’s 20p and still the tax-free cash isn’t worth the risk of germs, you truly are a rich man. When it’s 50p or more you still pick it up, because no matter how much cash you’ve got that’s 50p.

Buying sugar like normal people

Most people get their sugar in bags, from a supermarket. Skint people get theirs from coffee shops and restaurants, along with their ketchup, and tartar sauce. Gone are the days of keeping a drawer full of sugar sachets and pretending it’s convenient. Now you spoon it out of a bag and it goes everywhere.

Supermarket shopping at any time of the day

No longer do you precision-time your visits to exactly coincide with the Whoops! aisle markdowns, nor do you know the guy doing those markdowns by name. You plan meals in advance rather than eating a katsu curry for breakfast because 75 per cent off was too good a deal to pass up.

Getting your own wi-fi

No more ritual visits to your new neighbours where you casually ask for the password while Googling, then spend eight months leeching off it watching fourth-hand Netflix while slumped against the wall nearest their router. Now you have your own internet and can look at porn without breaking up relationships.

Next story ›