Five ways a family festival will be ruined by your f**king family

IT’S easy to believe that taking your young family to a festival will be fun. Here’s why the reality will be horribly different:

It will be ruinously expensive

It’s a given that festivals charge £15 for a burger, which is fine when you’re 19 and on a three-day bender without a care in the world. But multiply that charred lump of reconstituted vegetables by your partner and two kids and you’ll be wincing into your wallet, even before one of your offspring chucks it on the floor because the tomato has touched the bun.

Someone will always need a poo

In the middle of the petting zoo? Someone needs a poo. Enjoying a balloon sculpture demonstration? Someone needs a poo. Waiting for the one actually good band to come on? Someone needs a poo. Forget having fun and traipse off to find a toilet.

You will need a shopping trolley for all the equipment

You’ll be carrying jumpers for when it’s too cold, hats for when it’s too hot, toys for when they’re too bored, and medicines for when they get allergic to the face paint they’re slathered in, while also trying to smuggle in a bottle of contraband gin. Good luck trying to mosh with a Trunki child’s suitcase in tow.

Less sleep won’t make your family more fun

Everyone knows children become little shits when they’re tired, and spending three days trudging around a muddy field while their parents pathetically attempt to relive their youth will completely exhaust them. It’s like you’re asking for them to have a full-scale meltdown in a baking tent when you’ve got the mother of all hangovers.

They would have had a better time on the internet

For one brief, fleeting moment, maybe as the sun goes down on the last night, you might catch a glimpse of your family all cracking a smile at the same time. And you might think it was all worth it. Until you remember the same effect can be achieved with 15 minutes in front of SpongeBob SquarePants.

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Sleeve tattoos and other ways for soft lads to look a bit hard

ARE you a man with the misfortune to be born with a kind face and an enduring love of your mum? Here’s how to develop some edge:

Buy tighter t-shirts

You could get shredded in the gym over 18 months, but that sounds like hard work. Instead, start buying t-shirts two sizes too small, thus giving the impression of being hench without any effort. You expect people to say you look like you can handle yourself, but actually they comment that you’re a bit chubby.

Get a sleeve tattoo

Got a couple of grand to burn? Why not score tough points with a natty sleeve tattoo? A few roses, a clock face, some angels, a bit of tribal art: literally any old shit will do. Plus, all the Premier League footballers have them and they’re definitely not poncy, salad-eating teetotallers.

Grow a beard

The easiest option as you don’t have to do anything. Facial hair just appears as instant hardness growing straight out of your head. Sure, it might look a bit patchy but everyone will be too intimidated to mention it. Or, in reality, they’ll laugh at you.

Swear more

A simple way to come across as tough is to throw a few extra f**ks about. Not in front of your mum, though, as she’ll tell you off for being a pathetic little twat and she’ll be right.

Shave your head

The easy shortcut to looking like a psycho. Buzz a number one all over and instantly jump up a few notches on the hard bastard league table. Just try not to get all self-conscious about your oddly shaped noggin and call your parents crying about having a cold head five minutes after doing it.