Friends to return as sitcom about miserable, isolated 40somethings

US SITCOM Friends is returning for a new series where all the characters are too busy to hang out with each other.

The new show will depict the characters, now in their 40s, struggling to manage their young children, elderly parents, increasingly demanding careers and worries about strange pains which might be cancer.

A show insider said: “Monica and Chandler are in arrears on their mortgage, working 14 hours a day and looking after two lactose-intolerant children. There’s a hilarious sex scene where they both fall asleep during sex but each thinks the other didn’t.

“Chandler still delivers the occasional zinger on Twitter or Facebook and sometimes one of the old gang will ‘Like’ it. Phoebe pops into Central Perk, which is now as silent as a library because everyone’s only there for the wifi.

“There’s a great scene where Joey makes a pass at special guest star Mila Kunis and she doesn’t even realise it’s happening because he’s too old for her to consider him as a sexual being.

“The whole series builds up to the gang getting together again, which takes two months to organise because everyone’s kids keep being ill.

“When they finally meet nobody will drink coffee after 8pm because they’re desperate for a good night’s sleep.

“In the post-credits sequence everyone’s just checking their smartphones and staring brokenly into the middle distance.”

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Britain now stupid enough to emulate Kerry Katona

BRITAIN’S average intellect is now so low that Kerry Katona could be seen as a role model.

The Advertising Standards Authority banned an advert for payday loans featuring the former bankrupt mess after it emerged it had encouraged some people to take out a payday loan.

A spokesman said: “We originally approved the advert because we genuinely believed Kerry Katona’s endorsement would kill off the payday loan industry for ever.

“We hoped that the sort of cretin who thinks a payday loan is a good idea would have no choice but to reconsider their position. Surely nothing hammers home the abject wrongness of something more decisively than the Katona stamp of approval?

“Apparently not.”

The ASA said Britain is now so dangerously unintelligent that it will have to ban any advert that features something that is not real.

The spokesman added: “You simply could not produce the Tango ads today. Millions of people would stay indoors for fear of being slapped in the face by a fat – but incredibly fast – semi-naked orange maniac.

“And those Coco-Pops adverts with the talking cartoon monkey must be absolutely terrifying.”