Gary Glitter Songs To Be Electronically Tagged

ALL Gary Glitter songs are to be electronically tagged and made to sign the sex offenders' register.

The glam rock pervert's number one hits I'm the Leader of the Gang and I love You Love Me Love will be subject to monitoring and prevented from working with anyone under 16.

As part of a wide-ranging crackdown on suspicious music the 1973 classic Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Yeah) will have to report to its local police station once a week and is banned from travelling to Thailand, Vietnam and Sri Lanka.

The Home Office has also issued guidelines on the use of Aled Jones's Walking in the Air for its portrayal of a pervert snowman who kidnaps a small boy from his bed in his pyjamas.

Meanwhile, from next April, airline cabin crew will be able to taser anyone who sings Jonathan King's Una Paloma Blanca en route to Alicante.

But ministers have signalled a possible exemption for Jerry Lee Lewis if the singer's most famous hit is renamed Great Statutory Rape Balls of Fire.

Other songs currently being examined by Home Office specialists include Don't Stand So Close to Me by the Police, Young Girl by Gary Puckett and Grandad by Clive Dunn.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Alcohol to be restricted to nice people with degrees

ALCOHOL should only be available to nice people who know which wine goes best with fish, according to MPs.

The Home Affairs select committee admitted police resources were stretched because too many awful people are buying cheap, generic alcohol from supermarkets and then drinking for its effect, rather than fully appreciating its delicate potpourri of flavours.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Mortlake said: “Let’s take this charmingly presumptuous Echo Falls White Zinfandel, just £5.50 on offer from Morrisons, or £3.29 a large glass if you’re lucky enough to be able to buy it from the members’ bar in the House of Commons.

“As a decent person I would enjoy this as an aperitif before a dinner party, or serve it with some lightly poached seabass or a pan-roasted poussin with parsnip and chorizo.

“I certainly wouldn’t use it to wash down 20 Marlboro Gold and then have a piss up against the front door of Greggs, but that’s because I went to Cambridge and have a well-thumbed copy of Floyd on France.”

Tom Logan, a trainee accountant from Peterborough, said: “So what you’re saying is, they’ve fucked up the economy, forced the country to the point of bankruptcy and put my job and home in jeopardy and are now telling me I shouldn’t be allowed to get pissed on cheap wine on a Friday night so I can forget my troubles for a few hours instead of hunting them down and roasting them on spits like the shit-caked, trough-guzzling pigs that they are?