GMTV Viewers Lose Billions Of Braincells

BREAKFAST television viewers have unwittingly lost billions of brain cells in the last four years by watching early morning shows, a Daily Mash investigation can reveal. 

Mind into goo

Many people tuned in to GMTV genuinely hoping for enlightenment, unaware that all informative content had been removed from the show long before they switched on.

Some paid out enormous amounts of attention to the programme, gambling that they might glean at least one useful fact.

Instead all they got was John Stapleton and Fiona Philips talking to that one who used to be in Eastenders about her hysterectomy.

According to calculations by The Daily Mash, GMTV have viewers lost as many as 10,000 billion brain cells between them since 2003, that’s enough to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool, or wipe out the cerebral cortex of a large herd of elephants.

Phyllis Brigham, 65, said she had fully expected to enrich her mind through watching GMTV and she was shocked to learn that there was never a chance this would occur.

Instead the constant diet of inane celebrity chat had turned her mind to goo, and she now required help to go the toilet.

She said: “Hello dear, what? I’m sorry you’ll have to ask that again, I don’t think too good these days. Could you take to me to the lavvie?”

A GMTV spokesman said it had never been the broadcasters intention to deceive its audience and promised a full refund of braincells for each viewer.

He said GMTV bosses were entirely unaware that all useful information has been taken out of the programmes before broadcast. “Obviously they don't watch it," he said. "Would you?"