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Hannah Fry, and the other top candidates to be the thinking man's crumpet

RANDY intellectual types are on the lookout for a new muse now Rachel Riley has disgraced herself. These are the top candidates in the line of succession.

Hannah Fry

The clear front-runner. If this were the line to the throne, maths whizz Hannah Fry would be Prince William. She’s already proven her intellectual chops by presenting the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures, but she’s also shown she’s game for a laugh by hosting Have I Got News For You. Crucially though she is yet to put a foot wrong by saying something dreadful on social media, meaning nerds can feel safe fancying her.

Victoria Coren Mitchell

A divisive contender. The poker ace and Only Connect presenter will either be taken to the hearts of sexually frustrated cardigan wearers, or rejected on the grounds of her wry presenting style. Her legitimacy is further complicated by her attachment to king of the geeks David Mitchell. Swots may be loath to betray one of their own, even in their imagination.

Lucy Worsley

The high-brow candidate. Some men may say she’s not their type, but then why do they switch over from Lucy Worsley’s Royal Photo Album so quickly when their wives walk into the room? Not only does she make Tudor history accessible to modern audiences, she’s also an accomplished pianist who knows loads about Agatha Christie. What more could you want in a woman?

Professor Alice Roberts

One for the Gen X dads who have traded in their Garbage records to become armchair anthropologists. Professor Alice Roberts is sure to set pulses racing with her knowledge of clinical anatomy and bronze age settlements, but her failure to appear on 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown means she will forever only have niche appeal. Which is something of a national tragedy.

Carol Vorderman

Yes, this would go against the natural order of things. But if David Tennant can become Doctor Who again, why can’t Carol Vorderman reclaim the crown as the nation’s most beloved boffin? She’s still got it in the looks department, and her anti-government tweets are yet to make racist statements that promote Islamophobia. Britain is going backwards socially and economically, so perhaps it’s only right that the country’s choice of intellectual crumpet should follow suit.

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Man who can't grow beard not letting that stop him

A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.

23-year-old Joseph Turner is proud that the limp strands of hair descending from his chin have reached an impressive two centimetres, despite the fact that all it displays is a clear lack of testosterone.

Turner said: “Isn’t it cool? I’m a real man now, like Jason Momoa, or Hagrid, or Andrew Tate.

“At school, the more developed boys took the piss because I didn’t grow any hair on my face until sixth form, but now they would cower in the face of my overwhelming masculinity. At least that’s what I imagine, it’s not like I’m going to risk actually seeing them and finding out.

“A whole new world of facial framing is open to me. Maybe I’ll try a goatee, or even mutton chops. Obviously I’ll need to wait for the hairs on my cheeks and upper lip to kick in first, but that can’t be far off now.”

Turner’s girlfriend Lauren Hewitt said: “Unless he shaves that pubic monstrosity off, it’s over between us. He’s a sweet lad but now if he scrunches up his face all I can think of is an unshaven ball sack.”

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