Nicola Peltz, and other celebs so talentless going out with them would be a minefield

NICOLA Peltz, heiress and wife of Brooklyn Beckham, has had her vanity project film utterly demolished by critics. So if you were the partner of a no-talent celeb, how would you avoid the issue?

Vicky Pattison

You’ll dimly know who Vicky is due to her popping up in fascinating tabloid stories like her not being allowed on an Easyjet flight because her passport was damaged. She’s famous for Geordie Shore, leaving in 2014 for a resolutely D-list career in things like Ex on the Beach and Celebrity Coach Trip. If you were a couple, you’d have to be careful not to yawn while she was talking about her radio show on Heart North East or something. She’d be furious and wouldn’t have sex with you until you’d bought her a munchie box to make up.

Nicola Peltz

Billionaire’s daughter Nicola unwisely wrote, directed and starred in Lola, a gritty tale of poverty, prostitution and addiction. Unfortunately it’s been so comprehensively slagged off there’s nothing for a supportive partner to salvage, which must be tricky for husband Brooklyn. Even denying the criticism – ‘I didn’t think you were “dead-eyed”, darling’ – is just forcing her to relive the barbs, and moving swiftly on with ‘What’s your next film going to be about?’ comes across as unpleasantly snarky, because there won’t be one.

Sid Owen

EastEnders has produced some bad actors, but a stand-out is Sid Owen, who was in it for years as Bianca’s squeeze Rick-Aaay Butcher. The problem was he only had two expressions: resting and confused, which involved frowning a bit. Wellard the dog was putting in more nuanced performances. Christ knows what you’d say if you were watching him on TV and he asked what you thought. ‘Sorry, I’m busting for a piss,’ might be the safest option.

Fiona Bruce

Does Fiona have a Tory bias or is she just bad at hosting Question Time? She definitely lets Tories ramble on unchallenged, but to be fair she often shuts down the debate just as anyone is about to say something interesting. If you and Fiona happened to watch a clip of Question Time together – loads magically appear on Twitter late on Thursday attacking her – you’d just have to lie, eg. ‘It was great how you kept cutting Caroline Lucas off. I hate any form of dissent.’ Fiona would take that as a lovely compliment because she thinks that’s her job.

Vin Diesel

The question here is whether Vin knows his mumbled delivery of shitty lines in the increasingly pointless Fast & Furious films is bad, or does he think awkwardly slurring dialogue like ‘How ‘bout you tell us where the bomb is before we have to hurt you?’ is Shakespearean acting at its finest? As his girlfriend or wife, you wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings, so it’s probably best to say he’s a brilliant actor. Then hope he doesn’t embark on a vanity project like an action version of Hamlet with Jason Statham as a kick-ass Claudius and Megan Fox as Ophelia. Although we would watch that.

Brooklyn Beckham

Brooklyn’s recipes include toasted sandwiches and spag bol, so it must be a f**king struggle sounding enthusiastic about his mundane fare. It’s safe to assume he and Nicola sit in awkward silence rather than have painfully insincere conversations like: ‘I really enjoyed Lola, it was… interesting.’ ‘Thank you, Brooklyn. I enjoyed that burger you just made. Putting cheese on it was a clever touch.’

Gal Gadot

F**k, this is a problem. Gal can say the words fine, and she definitely looks like Wonder Woman, but she’s not exactly a great actor. Also most of her recent films like Red Notice have been shite. So the best strategy would be to keep harking back to the original Wonder Woman. Just say – completely truthfully – ‘Hey! Remember the bit with the German machine guns? You were amazing!’ You’ll have avoided friction and she’ll probably be all coy and flattered. So that’s definitely something to bear in mind if you find yourself dating impossibly beautiful Hollywood A-lister Gal Gadot.

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