We will give every child a pack of fags on their 15th birthday, says Labour

THE opposition has defied the government’s smoking ban by pledging to give every child a pack of 20 cigarettes on their 15th birthday.

As MPs prepare to vote on Rishi Sunak’s controversial Tobacco and Vapes Bill which will see anyone under 15 unable to buy cigarettes for life, Keir Starmer has promised to help the younger generation onto the nicotine ladder.

Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said: “Our children deserve the same opportunities as their parents and grandparents, and that includes sparking up a Marlboro Gold while bunking off maths.

“Under a Labour government, whatever your background, whatever your opportunities, every 15-year-old will awake on their special day to a box of tabs on the doormat. Imagine their faces lighting up.

“It’s at no cost to the taxpayer because tobacco manufacturers have generously offered to provide the fags for free, and if they go on to become lifelong smokers they’ll pay millions in duty.

“Think of it as Computers for Schools vouchers, Sure Start, and a sober warning about lung cancer all rolled into one. Will children be deterred from smoking because it’s government-approved? Who knows. But it’s an election year and we have to try.”

Wayne Hayes of Ditchling said: “Finally, a noticeable difference between Labour and the Tories. They’ve got my vote.”

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How to absolutely, comprehensively lose your shit if your child doesn't get their first-choice primary school

YOUR child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first-choice primary. How should you freak out? 

Wail and moan

When a four-year-old’s future has been torn away, no reaction is too histronic. Roll on the floor weeping. Drive your Kia Sportage into a tree. Consider self-immolation on the steps of the council offices. This is state-sanctioned murder. Ignore your child’s attempts to calm you. They don’t know.

Lodge an appeal

Fill in the form and send it off, yes. But then hire a barrister – preferably a KC, is Cherie Blair available? – for the hearing before an independent admissions panel. Threaten legal action against the council, the school, the admissions panel, the Department of Education and parents of children who did get a place. Nuclear is the only way to go.

Write to your MP

The letter is only the start. Demand an in-person meeting, visit their office in Westminster, turn up without warning outside their home waving placards. Protesters against the war in Gaza do, and this is far more important. Don’t rule out glueing yourselves to their car and your child to the windscreen.

Get the local paper involved

A photo of yourselves and your child looking heartbroken outside your chosen school, heartrending invented stories of bullying, a tear-stained teddy bear; it all adds up. School governors still read it, because by definition they’re busybodies with nothing better to do.

Use medical grounds

Get a doctor on board. Private, obviously. Run your four-year-old through a battery of test to firmly establish their myriad shortfalls and complex needs. Really drive home to the kid that without specialist help there is no hope for them. Your chosen school can provide such help. What luck.

Consider this a warm-up

The correct primary school has been secured. You can relax for the next six months or so, until they begin their first term and you begin worrying about getting them into your first choice of secondary school. Have you considered a compulsory purchase order for their sports field, then building a house on it? Because that’s definitively in f**king catchment.