'Has it got subtitles?' How to talk your way out of watching any movie

REGRETTING agreeing to sit down and watch a film tonight? Here’s how to make sure you don’t get past the first five minutes.

Discover it’s in black and white

The older a film is, the less likely it is to contain car chases, explosions or gratuitous shagging, which are the only three reasons to watch. No one ever made a good film in black and white, so if your partner starts banging on about Psycho, Citizen Kane or Some Like It Hot, tell them they’re talking crap and put on Last Action Hero.

Has it got subtitles?

Subtitled films are too much hard work: if you’d wanted to read you’d crack a book. OK, so it’s a French film, which means a high chance of nudity, but it’s not worth the risk as you can’t play with your phone for the duration if you have to constantly keep your attention on another screen. 

Look at who’s in it

A quick check of IMDB to see who’s in the cast will put you off, as you’ll realise you can’t stand one of the actors. ‘I can’t bear them’, you’ll say, ‘I saw them on Graham Norton and they seemed awful’. Brush off your partner’s logical point that they are an actor and therefore will be in character and pop Notting Hill on, because you think Rhys Ifans in pants is still hilarious after 22 years.

Realise it’s over two hours long

No film needs to be over 90 minutes long. It’s a waste of your life, as you have a busy schedule of watching repeats of things you’ve already seen. It’s a definite no-no if you start watching after 8.30pm, as the hour before bed is reserved for winding yourself up arguing with strangers on Twitter.

Watch the trailer

A trailer should be a snippet that whets your appetite. However, usually it’s a snappy two minute cut of the most exciting action, best dialogue and cleverest plot twists. Once you’ve seen it, there’s no point watching the whole film, so you can spend the rest of the evening on your passion project of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram.

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Evil child ruins mum's morning coffee by existing

A FOUR-YEAR-old boy has deliberately ruined his mum’s cup of coffee by walking into the same room as her. 

Lucy Parry was furious after her son had the cheek to appear by her side when she was only two blissful sips into a double shot Americano.

Emma said: “I pretended I hadn’t seen him and sat there staring blankly at the wall like a statue. Unfortunately, despite appearances, he’s not a total idiot, so he saw through that.

“He had the gall to ask me for Rice Krispies. I hadn’t got up at 6am and made coffee like a ninja for it all to end now. I tried to block him out, but he started whispering ‘Are you OK mummy, you’re being strange’ in my ear.

“‘You are not welcome here’, I told him. ‘I love you but if I have to put this mug down, I will end you’. He didn’t give a toss, of course. He just told me he needed a poo and that was it. Coffee officially ruined until I try again tomorrow, like Sisyphus.”

Milo Parry said: “Mummy had to reheat her coffee three times and watch Mr Tumble instead of the news. Another successful morning.”