'Does exactly what it says on the tin' and other ad slogans tedious pricks repeat

SOME advertising slogans were amusing the first time you heard them. But the humour soon wore off after years of bellends grimly parroting them. Groan once more at these:

‘Not just any… these are…’

Countless people try to imitate this Marks & Spencer ad in their grossest attempt at a ‘sexy’ voice. Thanks to M&S you now know the voice Chris from accounting uses when he’s in bed with his girlfriend.

‘Does exactly what it says on the tin’

There’s a certain breed of middle-aged man who thinks that crowbarring a slogan from an advertising campaign for varnish into as many situations as possible is amusing. Actually all they’re doing is reminding people they’ve got some tedious varnishing to do.

‘Oooh yes!’

When the Churchill Insurance dog made its television debut society nearly ground to a halt due to people replying to every single question with a throaty ‘Oooh yes!’. Doing free marketing work for an insurance company really doesn’t count as wit.

‘Bang! And the dirt is gone’

Once Cillit Bang is mentioned, otherwise normal people will descend into a frenzy of repeating this phrase, all desperately trying to outdo each other’s Barry Scott impression. This ad hasn’t been broadcast for about 15 years. Let it go.

‘Probably the best… in the world’

What’s so annoying about Carlsberg’s famous slogan is that it’s a template for anything. You never know when a bloke in the pub will randomly say ‘Probably the best bar stools… in the world.’ And probably be greeted with guffaws of mirth from his idiot mates.

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Five bare minimum beauty standards men have to live up to

SOCIETY expects women to look a certain way, but blokes have beauty standards to live up to as well, such as these bare minimum requirements:

An acceptable paunch

A protruding belly is easy to achieve because it’s inevitable once your metabolism conks out. A modest paunch is fine, so don’t give up the pizza, booze, and doing f**k-all exercise. Just try not to let it get out of hand or you’ll have to book two seats when travelling by plane. 

Straight-ish teeth

Wonky teeth can be a bit of a turn-off if your date is particularly picky, but with luck they’ll find your crooked gnashers endearing. If your teeth are really all over the place just develop a funny personality and you’ll be able to coast along fine. Probably.

A hairline, any hairline 

Don’t fret if your hairline has started receding or you’re sporting a formidable widow’s peak flanked by bald scalp. Thanks to society’s low expectations of male appearance you’ll still be considered attractive regardless of your barnet situation. 

Occasionally trimmed pubes

Whereas women are judged no matter what they do with the hair in their nether regions, men can get away with a biannual strimming of their pubes. You can always tell when this infrequent shearing has occurred because your bath will be lined with a thick shag carpet made from short and curlies.

The faintest hint of muscles

Some men think they need bulging biceps and ripped abs to look attractive, but most people find a toned, Adonis-like physique a bit arrogant and repulsive. This means men only have to take out an expensive gym membership, curl their biceps once, and they’ll have achieved peak physical condition and be considered a hunk.