Hot-wiring a car: Movie skills that are no way that f**king easy

MOVIES and TV shows make certain skills look piss-easy but if you actually attempted them it would be a disaster. Like these:

Hot-wiring a car

According to films, to hot-wire a car you jam your hand beneath the steering wheel, rip out some wires, touch two of them together at random and – hey presto! – the engine starts. If you actually tried this, in some kind of high-stakes getaway, you’d electrocute yourself and the police officer in pursuit would have to perform CPR before arresting you.

Shooting a gun

Every action film obsessive reckons they would be able to handle a gun like John Wayne, but, as any group of arseholes clay-pigeon shooting on a stag do quickly realise, firing a gun feels like being kicked in the shoulder by a horse. And there’s always one bellend who ends up chipping a tooth from the recoil.

Computer hacking

Having watched D.A.R.Y.L as a kid and then Hackers as a teenager, you think that randomly bashing around on a keyboard for long enough will get you into the Pentagon mainframe. In truth, you can barely send a GIF via WhatsApp, so the United States’ military secrets are probably safe for now.

Flying a plane

There are plenty of films where some have-a-go hero volunteers to land a 747 after the pilot is incapacitated. They just wiggle the stick a bit, press some buttons and touch down smoothly. You, on the other hand, would have an almighty panic and oversteer, sending the plane into a spiralling nosedive. There’s a reason pilots have to train for a long time.

Hanging on a ledge

Action films often feature someone hanging from an enormously high ledge by their fingertips and, because you can manage one-and-a-half pull-ups, you reckon you could do it too. In reality, you would last approximately 11 seconds supporting your own body weight before plummeting to the ground and a messy end.

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Man would gladly trade all his Father's Day presents for a single blowjob

A MAN who received the customary annual haul of disappointing presents would gladly swap them all for a single blowjob from his wife, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley confirmed he would prefer a session of oral sex to the novelty socks and whisky stones that his children have supposedly given him for the sixth tedious year in a row.

Malley said: “Yet again my family has conspired to disappoint me. In what world would I, a sexually frustrated man, prefer that my wife buys shit she pretends is from the children rather than fellate me?

“I went down on her on Mother’s Day, which took ages, and made her breakfast in bed, and this is how I’m repaid? With a pair of Han Solo socks? Hardly a fair exchange, is it?

“Anyway, I can’t take my annoyance out on the kids as it’s not their fault. So I’ll pretend to be thrilled and they’ll pester her to buy exactly the same crap next year. Brilliant.”

Helen Malley said: “I might have got cunnilingus on Mother’s Day but the prick forgot my birthday. So, unless he can nosh himself off, he’s getting no action today.”