A WOMAN’S date has cancelled tonight’s planned rendezvous on the grounds that it is far too hot to f**k.
Hannah Tomlinson received a surprise text at 10am reading ‘Hey! Hate to spoil the party but temp’s forecast to be 25 degrees so sex not possible! Catch you later’, even though it was only a second date.
She said: “Cancel, fine. But I feel cancelling on this basis is all kinds of presumptuous.
“No, there was no way I was going to f**k him. Yes, the key factor in that, rather than attractiveness, compatibility or intoxication, was that it’s bloody boiling. But still.
“The entire ‘I’m-not-putting-that-sweaty-dick-in-my-face’ vs ‘Yeah-well-no-way-am-I-going-near-your-stank-pussy’ debate could have comfortably been held in our heads, as they used to in Jane Austen’s day. No need to be so upfront.
“Of course we couldn’t f**k in this heat. We’d fuse together like melting dolls. Any act of intercourse would be like the hot-poker murder of Edward II.
“I’ll make a note in my diary for October. Perhaps the fragile wilting flower can handle a shag then.”