How to be a twat about TV shows on social media

WITH major TV shows returning to our screens, be sure to ruin them for everyone else using social media. Here are some highly annoying habits.

Spoil EVERYTHING

Be sure to post massive spoilers immediately after an episode ends, be it the climax of a blue chip drama, the surprise death of a beloved character or even the winner of a competition show. People will love catching up on 20 hours of Masterchef on video-on-demand, only for you to post the result on Facebook three milliseconds after it finishes.  

Tweet throughout the show

What better way to show your love for a TV programme than to not really watch it and tweet endlessly instead? Convince yourself the world is dying to hear your half-baked Line of Duty theories every 45 seconds as the episode goes out.

Pester the show’s stars

The fact some TV personalities exist in the ‘real’ world of Twitter or Instagram makes some twats feel they’ve got the right to message them directly. Assume Gillian Anderson wants your feedback on her portrayal of Maggie Thatcher on The Crown. And no, Jenny and Lee from Gogglebox aren’t your mates. They’re contractually obligated by Channel 4.

Post endless GIFs 

One guaranteed way to f**k off anyone in your timeline is to post endless, repetitive GIFs from your favourite shows in any situation. A friend getting a new job is probably pleased enough already without another GIF of Carlton’s dance from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Take it way too seriously

Be an unhinged fanboy by calling people who don’t like ‘your’ show idiots, twats and morons. There are some main offenders here – we’re looking at you Doctor Who and Game of Thrones. Pick fault with Peter Capaldi’s Doctor and within three messages it’ll go from friendly banter to someone threatening to stab you with a novelty sonic screwdriver.

Ask for recommendations 

Despite it never being easier to research good telly yourself, pester people with ‘Need a new TV show – suggestions please…’ on social media. When you get 200 passionate replies recommending everything from Schitt’s Creek to Succession, annoyingly complain you haven’t got time to watch it all.

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Today's Tory scandals there'll be f**k all repercussions from

CAN’T keep up with the huge number of government scandals? Don’t worry, here are today’s acts of parliamentary misconduct that the Tories won’t be accountable for.

Matt Hancock and NHS contracts

Reports of a company Matt Hancock has shares in winning two NHS contracts worth £300,000 won’t even feature in the ‘and finally’ section of the news, which will be about a cat that can ‘use’ an iPad. Curiously, Hancock’s Topwood company is dedicated to shredding documents. That’s not suspicious at all. Next.

The whole Greensill thing

There will be minimal fallout from this because it’s too boring to be gripping. People’s eyes will simply glide off the page as they try to read an expose about David Cameron lobbying for a firm he advises. Makes you long for simpler times, like when he put his knob in a pig’s mouth.

Priti Patel breaching human rights

A landmark court ruling which found that Priti Patel’s immigration detention centres breach human rights rules will pass unnoticed as Prince Philip’s funeral clogs up the media. Although for many people, this is exactly what they voted for, so hoorah for Priti for being even nastier than they had hoped.

Gove legalising gak

While this technically hasn’t happened yet, it’s only a matter of time until Gove legalises ching as long as you patriotically snort it off a Union Jack. The Tory party will then rally round and laugh off toothless questions about the whole affair from the handful of remaining state-approved journalists.

Boris Johnson approves the nuking of Scotland

A leaked phone call of Johnson giving Trident captains the green light to nuke Scotland will see his popularity soar in the next poll. Rather than being the prime minister’s political downfall, this horrific incident will be celebrated, or somehow get blamed on Keir Starmer. You’ll forget about it by tomorrow.