How to get through long, empty days without flicking This Morning on: A guide for Holly by Phil

HOLLY, you’ve quit This Morning for the sake of your family, but the kids are at school, your husband’s at work and the TV remote is right there.

Wondering how to get through the day without resorting to the nation’s favourite tranquiliser? I’ve been doing it since May. Here’s my advice.

Bong hits

If you really need to lose a few hours and can’t flick on ITV without seething at f**king give-me-all-the-jobs Hammond, I recommend cannabis. Pack the bowl, inhale the smoke. Three hours will have passed without anything happening except slumping on the sofa and drooling. It practically is This Morning.


Now you’re on the other side of the screen, why not do what the viewers do? Sprawl out and crack one out using only your reflection for stimulation. It’s a real leveller, realising your long career and decades of renown amount to no more than a lazy tug.


Honestly, the morning flies by with festering vengeful urges. Focus on every bastard you hate and who’s destroyed your career for their own idle amusement. Plot revenge, perhaps even draw pictures. Before you know it it’s time for the school run.

Living in filth

You can’t do anything around the house because that would only remind you of This Morning. Cooking, cleaning, organising your wardrobe, or speculating about the love lives of minor celebrities all give you flashbacks, never mind when Rylan pops round. Live in total squalor and order Deliveroo.

Be glad you don’t have to present Dancing On Ice any more

There’s always a silver lining, and in our case it’s that we’ve escaped from that piece of shit. A sub-Strictly parade of near-celebrities skidding about on ice with nobody even bothering to make GIFs when they fall on their arses? I chuckle through whole mornings knowing I’m out of that bullshit. Join me.

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Luton Airport car park purged of bedbugs

LUTON Airport’s Terminal Car Park 2 has been successfully purged of the bed bug infestation sweeping the country, it has emerged.

The controlled immolation means that the smouldering pile of rubble is the only place in Britain safe from the swarm of blood-sucking parasites currently causing panic on the London Underground.

Airport spokesperson Tom Booker said: “We heard reports that a bed bug had been spotted in the wheel arch of a Peugeot 306, so we sent in some heavies with flamethrowers. As you can see they’ve done a bang-up job.

“We apologise for the disruption to flights but you’ve got to be thorough with this sort of thing. Ideally we would have napalmed from here to Winch Hill but we had to act quickly. Maybe next time.

“The results speak for themselves though. The collapsed site is now completely free from bed bugs, not to mention driveable cars. Maybe they should do something similar to the Tube if everyone’s freaking out about them?”

Stranded traveller Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve cancelled my flight to Paris and decided to go on holiday in the car park instead. Much safer.”