Hugh Grant's Love Actually character now a far-right lunatic

HUGH Grant’s politician character from Love Actually is now a raving far-right lunatic who hates immigrants, it has emerged.

Grant is to reprise the role of prime minister ‘David’ in short film Love Actually 2, which reveals that his character has clung to power by stoking racial hatred and writing a column for the Daily Mail about ‘making Britain great again’.

The actor
said: “It was the character’s development that really drew me to the sequel, he’s a proper modern politician who diverts attention from his incompetence by blaming Eastern European plumbers.

He’s now divorced from Martine McCutcheon’s character and spends his spare time either stalking her online or trolling feminists in Guardian comments sections. He even has a creepy chief advisor called Maxwell who has a skin condition and worships an anti-semitic lizard god called Golgoroth.

Sadly it’s only a short film so we won’t have the time to go deeper into the reasons he has become like this, such as his impotence that can’t be cured by any amount of Viagra.

There’s no happy ending as such but you do see David totally lose it when a foreigner wins Wimbledon, leading to a mad rampage which culminates with him naked and strangling a goose.”

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Friend's new girlfriend is against drugs

A MAN’S friends have been thrown into crisis after it emerged that his new girlfriend is ‘against drugs’.

Nathan Muir brought Emma Bradford to meet his mates in the pub, where the trouble began as one of them suggested going home for a smoke.

Muir immediately looked panicked and reassured Bradford that this was a reference to cigarettes or legal herbal tobacco substitutes.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “I cornered Nathan in the toilet and asked him why he was being weird. He simply said ‘she’s against drugs’.

“I think I just said, ‘oh’ then sorted of smiled as if that was not going to cause massive problems.”

It is still unclear why Bradford is against drugs, although maybe she is religious or one of her relatives is a smackhead or something.

Muir’s work friend Mary Fisher said: “We all pretended to be totally fine with it and to respect her choices, but pretty much all we do as a group is get stoned so clearly only one of us can have Nathan.

“If either or them so much as mentions the Alpha Course, this is war.”