HARRY Styles is charging £1,600 a ticket for his upcoming Wembley gigs and fans are thrilled at the reasonable pricing. Is it enough? 

Donna Sheridan, ostler: “So that’s roughly £1 for every foot you are away from him? Seems fair.”

Susan Traherne, examinations official: “That’s for the VIP package which includes a desultory, insulting meet-and-greet with a clearly uninterested Styles who doesn’t make eye contact, ending your fandom forever. So in the long run you’re saving money.”

Oliver O’Connor, personal assistant: “You can see Louis Tomlinson for just £70 and he’s verifiably met Harry. Albeit a while ago.”

Roy Hobbs, gentleman’s tailor: “F**king hell, Harry, you know what you’ve done? Only gone and ceded the moral high ground to Liam bloody Gallagher.”

Lauren Hewitt, storage facility manager: “Okay, what I’m hearing from some of you is that you don’t love Harry enough?”