'I understand the f**king plot of the f**king film' woman gently reminds husband

A WOMAN has politely reassured her husband that she can follow what is going on in the film by herself, thank you very f**king much.

Donna Sheridan calmly shut down Martin Bishop as he explained what was going on in 2001: A Space Odyssey by shouting ‘It’s not as complicated as you think, you cretin.’

Sheridan said: “Martin always chooses something he thinks will make him look like an intellectual but this is just about an evil computer in space. It’s hardly Chekov.

“The only reason I might find it hard to understand is because he’s jabbering all over the dialogue, of which there’s barely any to begin with.

“He didn’t even get his head around the film by himself anyway. I heard him watching a YouTube video that explained the ending and he’s just repeating it word for word.

“It’s nearly as bad as the time we watched The Matrix and he paused it every couple of minutes to point out the symbolism, then got in a sulk when I pointed out the obvious stylistic influence of Ghost In The Shell.”

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Which COVID-19 hotspot are you heading to this weekend?

IT’S summer and the perfect time to head out to one of Britain’s much-loved COVID-19 hotspots to up your viral load. But where will you go? 

A Cornish beach

There’s no better way to expose yourself to a virus than stripping near-nude and sitting in close proximity to other hot, sweating people exhaling lovely infectious clouds of droplets. Remember to keep wiping your brow!

The Peak District

There’s absolutely loads of the Peak District and in theory enough room for many thousands to roam. So make sure to head to that one car park you always go to and go on the same walk you always go on because it’s easy and flat, while tutting at everyone else who’s done exactly the same thing.

Any London park

Surely on a sunny day like today, with everyone off and lockdown rules relaxed in a vague, interpret-to-suit-yourself way, there won’t be hundreds of people heading to London parks like there always are? There are? Wonderful! It’s a multicultural fiesta of infection vectors.

A city centre

You’ve seen all these deserted 28 Days Later city centres on the news, so what could be safer than driving the family in for a look around and a photo opportunity? You’ll arrive to discover it’s really very busy then contract the coronavirus while queuing for Subway.

The intensive care unit of your local hospital

Why not cut out the middleman, stop taking your chances with community infection, and head straight to the main source? Take a picnic and spread your blanket over a spare bed, then munch pork pies while watching frantic medics trying to save lives. You’ll be dry-coughing before you even get home.