Imodium unveils magical Christmas advert

THE makers of Imodium have released a heartwarming Christmas advert featuring a monster with chronic diarrhoea.

The big-budget advert involves a young boy, Jack, who wakes in the night to discover a large troll-like creature shitting violently in his cupboard.

The pair embark on a delightful festive adventure, interrupted only by the monster running off with stomach cramps to void his bowels of liquid faeces.

A spokesman said: “We wanted to capture the magic of Christmas, but also the terror of knowing you might cack yourself because you’ve had 11 mince pies.

“After the initial shock meeting, Jack and his new friend sneak outside and build a snowman, with the monster frequently disappearing behind the garden shed with a roll of toilet paper.

“We then discover he can fly and they soar through the wintry sky to Santa’s workshop at the North Pole, where the monster manages to find a tiny elf toilet just before he shits himself.

“Santa urges Jack to pick a toy, but instead he chooses a pack of Imodium for the monster. It’s a wonderful story about friendship, imagination and recovering from the raging trots.

“The next day Jack wakes up and is sad to think it was just a dream, but then there’s a loud farty squelch from under the bed.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Absolute wanker has thing about pronouncing foreign words correctly

A PRETENTIOUS knob insists on pronouncing foreign words correctly, it has emerged.

Julian Cook insists on being phonetically correct at all times, especially with commonplace foreign words that all normal people just say in an English way.

Cook said: “I’ve spent all day at ‘I-kay-uhh’ buying some reasonably priced ‘Scandinah-vian’ furniture, and now I think I’ve earned a glass of ‘Mo-et’ or a bottle of ‘Kronenbouuuurge’.

“In fact, I think I’ll enjoy it on my chaise longue while eating a fillet of beef.

“Just testing, obvious you pronounce it ‘feel-eh’. You need to do a special thing with your tongue to get the ‘eh’ sound.”

English people agreed in 1932 that ‘café’ was the limit for pronouncing foreign words correctly, but Cooke continues to flagrantly and knowingly breach conversational etiquette.

Cook’s sister Sandra said: “The only thing worse than hearing Julian roll his r’s in La Tasca is the look on the Domino’s driver’s face when he thanks him for the pepperoni pizza.

“I called him a wanker, but apparently that’s actually a French word that you pronounce ’van-queer’.”