Woman gets happiness from things she bought

A WOMAN is happy as a result of buying herself some nice things, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford announced her newfound happiness by unveiling to friends her massive new TV, stylish trainers and top-of-the-line smartphone.

She said: “It’s amazing. I didn’t think any of this would bring me any happiness at all.

“But it has. Loads.

“No two ways about it, I’m definitely happy wearing these trainers and watching The Blue Planet on a screen so good I’ve discovered that fish have pores. So, take that Buddha.”

Fellow happy consumer Wayne Hayes added: “People always tell you that the best things in life are free.

“Those people clearly haven’t just taken delivery of a limited edition pewter model of Predator from the film Predator.

“Luther Vandross, you were so wrong.”

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What's the best wine pairing for my current life crisis?

IF YOU’RE having a crisis, don’t just reach for any wine. Read our guide to discover the perfect grape-based alcoholic drink to match your problem.

When you’ve got some shit going on, it’s easy to just grab some wine that costs six quid and has a picture of a tree on it. But the right wine-problem pairing can make a solo drinking session into something sublime.

Take the pressure off your choice with this handy guide.

Midlife crisis
If you can’t afford a poker addiction or taking a year of work to ‘discover yourself’, why not make wine your particular method of facing life’s crushing meaninglessness? A sophisticated, aromatic Gewürztraminer will make you seem more interesting as you weep into it on your first ever Tinder date.

Thinking of voting Conservative
You’re a left-leaning progressive type who has always voted Labour and yet you suspect that Jeremy Corbyn might sub-let your spare bedrooms to Hamas. You’re freaking out because you momentarily entertained voting for the Conservatives. Wash that treacherous thought away with a bottle of sustainably sourced Fairtrade Argentinian Malbec.

Divorce
Wine? No chance. This calls for a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal Brut champagne. Whether you’re celebrating your escape from the clutches of your ex-nutjob or howling into the bleak void left by their absence, divorce is an excuse to get expensively shitfaced.

Quarter-life crisis
Lost your youthful zest for life and feeling adrift in a universe of generalised anxiety? You might still be too young to have developed a taste for nice wine so start with some Echo Falls rosé. It’s basically alcoholic squash.

Bankruptcy
Buckfast Tonic Wine. ‘Tonic’ being the Latin word for ‘I’ve puked in my shoe but now I feel great’.