Kanye and Paul McCartney, and other weird musical collaborations we moved on from far too quickly

THERE are many classic musical collaborations, and then there are some really weird ones that nobody asked for. Like these:

Matt Cardle and Rihanna

Remember the bizarre days when X Factor finalists duetted with famous singers? At the peak of the show’s success, nobody batted an eyelid when soon-to-be-winner Matt Cardle paired with a bonafide megastar who had recently had an international smash hit with Umbrella. But since nobody’s thought about Cardle and his signature flat cap since Christmas 2010, it’s strange to look back and see Rihanna fondling his hips during their intimate performance of Unfaithful.

Paul McCartney and Kanye West

Rihanna was also involved in the song FourFiveSeconds, which was the result of West and McCartney’s unlikely collaboration. What did they talk about in the studio canteen? Did McCartney pitch an acoustic cover of Black Skinhead? Did they discuss a mash-up album? Band on the Runaway? Let It Ye? Anyway, the song they finally did come up with is rubbish, so they may as well not have bothered.

Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett

How does a five-time Grammy winner follow up on three of the biggest solo pop releases of the 21st century? By releasing a collaborative album with 88-year old crooner Tony Bennett of course. And when she wins a further seven Grammys and an Oscar? Release a second collaborative album with 96-year-old crooner Tony Bennett. Of course. Maybe she saw it as a sort of community service to the elderly, like delivering meals on wheels.

James Corden and Dizzee Rascal

Gavin and Stacey fans know that James Corden can rap (American Boy feat. Sheridan Smith, anyone?). But in his cover of Shout for the 2010 World Cup, Corden left the rapping to Dizzee Rascal. Revisiting this release from before Corden turned to the dark side is a bit like watching The Phantom Menace: you know this round-faced blonde will one day become the most loathed man in the galaxy, but he’s just about bearable for now.

Eminem and Elton John

You might think the strangest part of this duet from the 43rd Annual Grammy Awards was the collaboration of LGBTQ royalty Elton John and renowned user of homophobic slurs Eminem. In fact, more jarring is Elton’s strangely bouncy and staccato rendition of the Dido sample in Stan, along with the fact he’s wearing a pink and yellow suit which looks like it’s made from the flayed skin of Mr Blobby. A strange scenario in every way.

Weird Al Yankovic and Kate Winslet

The song is called I Need a Nap, and it appeared on Sarah Boynton’s 2005 album Sarah Boynton’s Dog Train. It has just 212,000 streams on Spotify, which is still more than it deserves as it sounds like a reject from a sub-par Disney film. Kate Winslet also received an Oscar nomination in 2005 for her performance in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind… which presumably pipped this for her in terms of artistic achievement. She’s never released another song, so it must have done.

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Leaving the fridge door open: the next five smear campaigns coming Angela Rayner's way

THE police have dropped their probe into Angela Rayner’s council house, but that doesn’t mean she’s off the hook. These five smear campaigns will hit her any day now.

Leaving the fridge door open

Thanks to a tip off from her old housemate, the Conservatives can confirm that Angela Rayner once left the fridge door open for a few seconds before saying ‘whoops’ and pushing it shut with her rear end. If the deputy leader of the opposition shows such a flagrant disregard for energy use and door closing etiquette, how can she be trusted to level up the nation’s housing? Expect this scandal to dominate the front page of the Mail for the rest of the election.

Using the big light

A particularly damning bombshell that threatens to hand victory to the Conservatives come July 4th. Rather than using a few soft table lamps to illuminate her council house, Rayner prefers to use the blinding big light as it helps her to see better. Police are currently poised to crash through her windows and catch her in the midst of this heinous crime.

Putting jam on a scone before cream

During a tour of the south west, Rayner was spotted breaking protocol and basic public decency by inappropriately spreading a layer of jam onto a scone before heaping on a dollop of clotted cream. Several onlookers are still traumatised by Rayner’s disgusting behaviour, however she has managed to clinch overwhelming support from Cornish voters.

Opening an umbrella indoors in 2008

It may have only been for a few seconds as she prepared to step out of a Cafe Nero and into heavy rain, but it still counts. In fact this one act of bad luck probably triggered the recession and led to the steady rise of nationalism all over the world. Every misfortune or annoyance that has come your way ever since can be traced back to this flouting of superstition, so she should be banged up forever.

Accidentally saying ‘expresso’ instead of ‘espresso’

This isn’t just a slip of the tongue, it’s a bacon-sandwich-level gaffe. By stumbling over her words, Angela Rayner has exposed herself as an uneducated commoner who must not be let anywhere near the levers of power. The people of Britain want Latin-spouting billionaires who are out of touch with reality to run this country, and nothing less will do.