Kiefer Sutherland To Make Brat-Pack Version Of 'Rainbow'

KIEFER Sutherland is to reunite Hollywood’s ‘brat-pack’ in a big-budget remake of Rainbow.

The 24 star confirmed he has signed up Lou Diamond Phillips, Molly Ringwald and the Sheen brothers, Charlie and Emilio, to create a 21st Century version of the gay psychological thriller, adored by generations of British children.

Sutherland is likely to take on the role of Geoffrey, while Diamond Philips has agreed to play Rod, Kevin Bacon will play Jane and Demi Moore will play Freddie.

Mannequin‘s Andrew McCarthy will play George, the homosexual hippopotamus, Breakfast Club‘s Judd Nelson will play Bungle, the homosexual bear and Ringwald is likely to be in the hunt for a long overdue Oscar nomination when she takes on the role of Zippy, the indeterminate homosexual thing.

Sutherland said: “Jack Bauer’s inner toughness and emotional detachment came from observing Geoffrey. The shit he put up with from Zippy would have broken a lesser man.

“Meanwhile George has a boy’s name but he’s pink so maybe he’s a girl. That fascinates me.”

Early plot details suggest the story will focus on George’s early years when he becomes pregnant and runs away from home, finally finding refuge with a house full of misfits who are shunned by the rich kids and the American football players.

But even as they cling to each other for reassurance, tensions simmer just below the surface as each housemate tries to come to terms with who they really are before going off to university.

Ringwald, 81, said: “Every actress of my generation has dreamed of playing Zippy. I’m going to bring a small town, mid-western sensibility to it and try to make him less of a total dick.”

Sutherland added: “I’m very confident. We have strong cast, the script makes no sense and Jim Kerr from Simple Minds has very kindly agreed not to provide the soundtrack.”


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Feral Nurses To Be Culled

FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.

Nurse numbers have spiralled out of control due to unrestrained mating with porters, ambulance drivers and slightly older, unhappily-married doctors.

The uniformed, predominantly female creatures have taken to living in hospital air conditioning shafts, where they build nests using discarded copies of Take A Break.

But managers want to reduce numbers after a spate of bitings and a fatal accident in Swindon when a large, hibernating nurse fell through a ceiling and squashed an old lady with pneumonia.

An NHS spokesman said: “We can all get a bit sentimental about nurses, but they are just animals.

“The feral sisters and their gentler male counterparts will be humanely destroyed with dogs and the pretty ones will be sent to live with rich, elderly perverts.”

The wild nurse infestation has also led NHS managers to consider eliminating the species altogether and explore alternative modes of patient care.

The spokesman added: “During a recent nine-day brainstorming network session at Gleneagles it was decided that nurses are a pain in the arse.

“It was agreed that one way of replacing them would be a single Christ-like Messiah who is able to heal with his magic beard.

“Recruitment could be a problem as there isn’t a huge number of English-speaking Christs around at the moment, but it could just as easily be a benevolent, ET-type alien with a glowing finger and a heart full of love.”