Knobhead plays Knebworth

ONE of the UK’s biggest knobheads will today perform at one of the UK’s biggest concert venues.

Liam Gallagher is returning to Knebworth, the venue where he was crowned King of the Knobheads in 1996, for another legendary two-night run.

The UK’s number one rock star dick-measuring venue will see more than 200,000 fellow tools joining Liam so he can prove he is a bigger knobhead than his brother.

Owner Denys Finch Hatton said: “We began serving as a penis extension for leather-trousered men in the 1970s, when The Rolling Stones asserted their right to be the biggest cocks in Britain.

“Following that Robert Plant demanded to sling his schlong about in our Grade II listed park and gardens, and who was I to stop him?

“In 1996 it was Oasis waving their wangers at the nation, and in direct competition Robbie Williams decided only three nights could settle his constant nagging penile inadequacy. Cocaine impotence has made us a lot of money over the years.

“And now I see Liam’s back to settle a petty little score like he and his brother are still children fighting a willy war. What an absolute dick.”

Fan Tommy Logan said: “Is there anyone out there that’s as much of a cock as Liam Gallagher? No. In the great man’s words, let’s f**king have it.”

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Worth camping out for, says f**king nutcase

A DAZZLED Royal-watching nutter has proclaimed that the Jubilee has proved well worth camping on the Mall and crapping in carrier bags for.

Nathan Muir, 42, said: “The balcony moment, the fly-past, the lighting of the Tree of Trees: it’s been incredible. Every piss in a bottle was worth it.

“For the Queen I’ve spent the last seven days living like a homeless heroin addict. The cold, the rain, the exposure, waking up to find rats nibbling my sandwiches – that’s nothing compared to the sacrifices she’s made for her country.

“People say ‘Your life is empty, Nath’ or ‘You need more than just the Royals, you need real friends’. Well they’ve been proven dead wrong.

“Honestly, on Thursday with front-row seats to see them standing half a mile away on that balcony, Harry and Meghan rightly excised, I was the happiest man in Britain. That glow will last for months.

“Platinum Party at the Palace was mega. I didn’t have a ticket, but you could see all the lights and hear some of the songs. Now this afternoon it’s the Platinum Pageant. Apparently there are corgi puppets. I can’t wait.

“Then, after it’s finished, I’ll go home to my bedsit in Nuneaton knowing I live in the greatest country in the world with the greatest monarch and life doesn’t get any better than this.”