Losing weight now a career

BEING famous for losing weight is an acceptable substitute for a modelling, acting or singing career, say minor celebrities.

People who were once well-known for something else have found their amazing ability to gain and lose body fat pays off their mortgage.

Possible Celebrity Big Brother contestant Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t remember entirely how I gained my fame. The X-Factor, Pop Idol, Kenneth Clark’s Civilisation, one of those shows.

“But when my fleeting notoriety began to diminish, dangerously rapid weight gain seemed like the natural step.

“Sitting on the sofa – not even the This Morning sofa – slamming stacks of Jaffa Cakes went against every instinct in my C-list body, but it worked.

“The paparazzi shots of me sweating, newly porky, around a London park went viral and that same day I had a contract for a fitness DVD with my revolutionary ‘eat less and exercise more’ plan.

“That, and a back room filled with shedloads of amphetamine-based diet pills bought from a company in Uzbekistan.

“Which will set me up nicely for my addiction hells and massive stroke hells, pre-sold as exclusives to OK! Magazine

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BBC unveils new drama The Enunciators

THE BBC has unveiled a new drama which promises some of the most clearly-spoken action ever seen on TV.

The Enunciators, which stars properly educated actors Rupert Penry-Jones and Tom Hiddleston as police investigators without a hint of a regional accent, will follow a murder investigation where everyone explains everything to everyone else throughout.

Characters will speak directly to camera to make lip-reading easier and will announce their emotional states by writing them on large signs.

A BBC spokesman said: “The Enunciators features the most unambiguously-articulated action on British television.

“Set in a bucolic Kent village where everyone pronounces their words correctly and no post-Shakespearean slang is used, the show is perfect for anyone sick of mumblers, Northerners, Scots and the Irish.”

Pensioners and the inattentive have welcomed the show, particularly the recaps at the beginning of each episode which are screeched at ear-splitting volume by former T4 presenter June Sarpong.

Denys Finch-Hatton, of Tewkesbury, said: “The problem isn’t that I set an arbitrary volume level on my TV which I refuse, as a point of principle, to go past.

“The problem is that these regional actors haven’t bothered learning their lines and think they can get away with it by talking into their chests.

“And you can’t get subtitles now there’s no Ceefax. Pressing 888 just changes the channel to Psychic Today.”