Lost rave tribe found beneath Hacienda

A SEMI-MYTHICAL group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at Manchester’s legendary Hacienda.

Workmen in the former nightclub were alerted by muffled sounds of uplifting piano house coming from behind a wall. Further excavation revealed over 140 sealed-in ‘lost’ ravers making repetitive movements while sucking dummies.

Rave historian Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a long-standing rumour that when the Hacienda closed, a group of truly hardcore dancers decided to wall themselves up in its basement rather than face the demise of dance culture.

“Several hundred baggy-trousered E-heads, along with DJ Graeme Park and a decent sized sound system remained in the bowels of the building, determined that the party would continue forever.”

Builder Stephen Malley said: “They’d been living on dirty condensation leaking from overhead pipes then bottled and re-sold as ‘mineral water’ at £5 a pop. The room stinks of Vicks and there are bug-eyed near-skeletons blowing whistles and shouting ‘f**king come on’. It’s pretty old school in there.”

Plans are now afoot to let the group continue their decades-long party as a kind of living museum.

Manchester city councillor Tom Logan said: “We hope that school groups can visit the eternal ravers and learn about what youth culture used to be like before it got ruined by corporate sponsorship. And also of course the physical and mental effects of getting ‘one more tune’ 300,000 times in a row.”

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Pothole given listed status

A COUNCIL has granted a local pothole listed status in order to preserve it for future generations to enjoy, it has emerged.

The road hollow in Southampton has been awarded Grade I listed status due to its longstanding historical significance, thereby ensuring that it will never, ever be filled in with hot asphalt by highway maintenance vandals.

Council spokesperson Nathan Muir said: “This pothole dates back to 2002 when an overloaded Ford Transit took a corner too fast. If that’s not a story of exceptional interest which needs to be protected, I don’t know what is.

“Visitors travel from all over to look at the pothole in astonishment and take photos, which is good for the local economy. We’re also inundated with emails and phone calls about it on a daily basis, so clearly people don’t want it to go anywhere.

“Thanks to its new listed status, the pothole will be able to last for decades, if not centuries. In fact we’ll probably have to knock down some of the surrounding houses and churches to make room for it as it grows.

“We could even charge people £8 a pop to marvel at it, then flog them some pothole-themed postcards and jigsaws in a little gift shop. Who wouldn’t want a snowglobe with a chunk of tarmac in it?”

Tourist Martin Bishop said: “I’ve travelled all the way from the states to see it. It puts the Grand Canyon to shame.”