Man joining in with 'Happy Birthday' unwisely attempts harmony

A MAN joining in with a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ has unwisely taken the risk of attempting a harmony, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley and colleagues were singing the celebratory song while presenting a cake to workmate Eleanor Shaw when he decided to go out on a limb and show off his vocal skills, with catastrophic results.

Malley said: “I realised pretty quickly that I had overreached myself, but felt powerless stop the quickly unravelling situation. It was awful, like watching a deer get hit by a train.

“Because I was so sure it was going to work, I committed fully and went really loud on the first line. ‘Happy Birthday’ is theoretically a short song, but singing it feels like trudging across a vast wasteland for hours when you’ve foolishly decided to try the soprano part.

“So we all had to suffer while I attempted to style it out by trying to channel Jennifer Lopez. I even did that thing where you close your eyes and put one finger in your ear. Now I wish I was dead.”

Eleanor Shaw said: “Normally we’d follow it up with ‘For She’s A Jolly Good Fellow’, but everyone felt too embarrassed and ashamed.”

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Six things that f**k over your chances of getting out of work on time

HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.

The no-life boss

Your boss is recently divorced and now lives alone, and as a result works late every night. Unfortunately, he presumes everyone else is also a sad bastard with nothing better to do. He’ll call you into his office just as you’re about to put your coat on to talk sales projections, quarterly figures, and other bollocks that could have waited until the morning. And you’ll stay and listen because you want a pay rise.

That email you’ve been ignoring

A mandatory cyber security training course has been in your inbox for weeks, but you’ve avoided doing it because it’s so tedious. Queue the 5.25pm reminder that it has to be completed by 9am tomorrow if you want to avoid disciplinary action. You race through it, half-reading the questions, and getting it wrong, which means you have to start all over again. It wouldn’t be so bad, but you’ve spent all afternoon when you could have been doing it properly pissing about on the internet.

The distraught colleague

You’re nearly at the door and say goodnight to Karen, who has been quiet all day, so you ask in passing if she’s alright. Bad move. She’s now in floods of tears telling you how she’s convinced her boyfriend is having an affair. You can’t just walk away without looking like an insensitive twat, so now you’re stuck there for another 30 minutes handing her tissues and agreeing he’s a ‘horrendous bastard with a tiny penis’.

The wanker’s leaving do

You’d forgotten it was Colin’s leaving drinks tonight, mainly because he’s a boring tosser. Your more wily colleagues have pre-planned a bullshit excuse and are leaving with a brief handshake, which leaves just you, sad Karen and your boss going to the pub with him. The worst of it is that Colin promises to keep in touch because now he thinks you’re his friend.

The f**king computer update

Your laptop has had all day to prompt you to reboot and update software, but has it bothered? No, it hangs on until you hit the power off key to launch it. ‘Please wait a moment’, it lies, and you’re sat there watching the icon swirling away for the next 40 sodding minutes.

The cleaner’s life story

You’re all good to go and politely say a passing hello to the cleaner who’s just rocked up. This opens the floodgates and you have to listen to a rant about how their mother’s not been well, their son can’t get a job and the dog’s got an ulcer. You don’t want to cut them short, but deep down you’re wondering how the menial classes cope with such a vacuous existence. Which makes you exactly the type of snobby bellend they already had you down for anyway. Maybe that’s why they never empty your bin.