Butlin's, and Britain's other true no-go areas

RIGHT-WINGERS say parts of the UK have become ‘no-go areas’ due to immigration, but they’re wrong. Here are the British places you should never set foot in, simply because they are irretrievably dreadful:


You might get E. coli from the waterslides or bedbugs from the holiday cottages, but the true horror of Butlin’s holiday parks, whether in Bognor Regis, Skegness or Minehead, lies in the fact that they are haunted by Z-list celebrities from the 90s who will crush your spirit by caterwauling at you during the evening ‘entertainment’. Don’t risk it.

Luton Airport

The town is horrifying enough, but Luton’s airport represents a true crime against humanity. Deceptively called ‘London Luton’, people accidentally fly here expecting to step off the plane right onto Oxford Street. They instead find themselves in the arse-end of nowhere and have to navigate Europe’s worst railway system to actually get to their destination, which takes a further hour and a half and costs £300.

Cheltenham Literary Festival

Cheltenham is posh most of the year, but it’s during the annual book festival that it sucks in the worst of society’s upper echelons. No normal person can enter a cafe without being deafened by a braying conversation between two women called Bunty, who both simply adored the latest Ian McEwan. And you can’t walk down some streets after dark without accidentally wondering into a dangerously middle-class discussion between David Mitchell and Fi Glover. Stay in your car and lock the doors.

The Trafford Centre

Huge, windowless American-style shopping malls fill most people with dread, and there is certainly no place more scary than this gaudily outfitted Northern shopping centre on the last weekend of half term. For people with a weak constitution, a single minute in the massive JD Sports could prove fatal.

Reading and Leeds festivals

Forget Birmingham, if you truly want to go somewhere it feels like your life is in danger, try the Saturday night at Reading or Leeds. Everything is on fire, everyone is off their face and the security team have locked themselves in a portacabin rather than face 50,000 drunk, marauding teenagers wearing Billie Eilish t-shirts and trying to push the toilets over.

The Royal Mile, Edinburgh

It’s crammed with people, the shops are stuffed with tartan-themed tat and everywhere you turn there is some poor bastard in a kilt trying to make a living by pumping out tunes on the bagpipes nine hours a day. On top of this are the hoards of Harry Potter freaks and American tourists convinced their ancestors were born in the castle. Go on holiday to Tower Hamlets, you’ll have a much nicer time.

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