Man pats self on back for removing House of Cards from Netflix to-watch list

A MAN is feeling proud of himself after removing House of Cards from his Netflix ‘to watch’ list.

Wayne Hayes was inspired to make the courageous move after learning of the sexual harassment accusations levelled against the series’ star, Kevin Spacey.

He said: “I was pretty shocked by it all – I exhaled loudly and even shook my head a little bit.

“That’s when I realised I had to do something. So I deleted it from my list, and frankly it feels righteously good.”

Hates immediately drafted posts for Facebook, Instagram and Twitter informing followers of his decision.

He neglected to mention, however, that he was secretly quite relieved to remove the series from his televisual to-do list as it looked quite heavy going and he’d been putting it off for ages anyway.

However Hayes will still be watching The Usual Suspects on a semi-regular basis “because it’s a proper classic”.

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I'm too dirty to be a minister but just dirty enough to be an MP, says Fallon

SIR Michael Fallon has confirmed that his sexual transgressions make him unfit to be defence minister but, luckily, still fine to be a Tory MP. 

Fallon has resigned from the cabinet to avoid it being besmirched by allegations of sexual misconduct, but confirmed that the wider group of Conservatives in parliament can be proud to have him.

He said: “As we all know, groping and other univited sexual advances were acceptable in the 1970s and also enjoyed a retro resurgence during the period 2002-2007.

“And while my enthusiastic, envelope-pushing activities in that area mean I can no longer serve in the cabinet alongside pure souls like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox, it in no way disqualifies me from the Commons.

“By good fortune, my misbehaviour falls into that exact grey area between ‘falling on my sword as a distraction’ and ‘losing our tiny parliamentary majority’.

“I remain proud to serve the people of Sevenoaks. I warn them not to get too close.”