Man playing Doom Eternal for escape into a brighter, happier world

A MAN struggling to cope with what has happened to the world is finding cheerful escapism in a videogame where he slaughters demons in hell. 

Wayne Hayes came back from a terrifyingly silent supermarket shop and found that the only way to calm himself was to escape into a reality where demons have taken over Earth and he eviscerates them with a chainsaw.

He said: “It’s pretty grim out there right now. You can’t even take a sunny stroll without everyone skirting two metres around you.

“Then I remembered I was only a few clicks away from a delightful red-skied hellworld where every living thing is my enemy and I have all the guns.

“It’s so relaxing not having to worry about social distancing as I wander around the forsaken city of Exultia with its infernal priesthood, and if you manage to pick up the plasma rifle even a trip to the Super Gore Nest is a walk in the park. But less nerve-wracking.

“Also my heart rate is through the roof because I never know if there’s a howling flaming skull just around the corner, so it’s a better workout than Joe Wicks.

“If anyone’s looking for a way to improve their mental health during this difficult time, I thoroughly recommend killing your way through Earth, Mars and Hell. It’s my happy place.”

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Bet you can't get through these six platonic physical touches without getting turned on

REMEMBER hugs? How innocent they were? Try getting through these non-sexual examples of physical contact without getting horny:

Hugging

Simple hugs. Woman to woman, man to man, the soft embrace of arms wrapped around you, arms not your own. The last one you had could have been from a work colleague. In your current locked-down state, that seems perverse.

Handshaking

Imagine it: firm, with direction and purpose. Perhaps it’s an interviewer. Perhaps it’s a friend of a friend you’re just meeting. Either way that sweet palm-to-palm contact, feeling their fingers graze your skin without instantly rushing to wash them, now gives you the horn.

Brushing past someone on a train

The gentle, unexpected contact when you grab a handrail on a busy tube and someone else grabs the same spot as you. Hell, we’ll even throw in when you grab the rail and it’s still a bit warm from the last person’s hand. Mmm.

A high-five

Who knew something that symbolises success but makes you feel like a loser could become hot? Your interlocutor whipping their hand away and saying ‘too slow’ seems like delicious foreplay now.

Being given change

You’ve paid with a fiver for a biscuit Boost. The cashier counts out your coins and hands them to you over the counter. You hold out your palm expectantly. You can feel their heat as they tenderly drop the change into your hand. A GIF of this and you’d be there.

Getting punched in the face outside Wetherspoons

A classic brawl outside a pub. It’s been so long since you’ve had physical contact that you’re kind of starting to picture it like the cast of Magic Mike having a shirts-off brawl. You need to either finish, or cool off.