Country that's banged on about freedom for three years fine spending another month locked up

A COUNTRY that has spent the last three-and-a-half years obsessed with freedom is absolutely fine with being locked up until May. 

Britons have confirmed they have no objection whatsoever to lockdown continuing for another five weeks, that it will probably have to be longer, and this has nothing to do with that other freedom thing they have been consumed with since 2016.

Retired pipe-fitter Roy Hobbs said: “Lockdown. No problem with it mate. Extending the transistional period? No f**king way.

“What’s being misunderstood here is the nature of freedom. You see, being in the EU was like slavery because we couldn’t make our own laws, while being confined to our houses indefinitely and fined if we go out is our choice.

“I actually feel freer now even though I’m only allowed an hour’s exercise a day than I ever did before January 31st under the yoke of foreign powers. It’s not a physical thing. It’s more something in the air.”

Margaret Gerving of Guildford agreed: “I think they should stop beating about the bush and extend the lockdown until the end of the year.

“Also introduce a curfew, get the army on the streets, and you need a permit to go the shops. We can do it. We’ve got our freedom to keep us strong.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The more essential your work the less you get paid, them's the rules, says capitalism

CAPITALISM has confirmed that the more vital to society your work is, the less you therefore earn. 

Workers who the country could not do without, for example nurses, truckers or supermarket staff, must earn a pittance compared to management consultants and pork futures traders because that is the way it is.

A Treasury spokesman said, “As someone who draws a six figure salary for a job a trained parrot could do, I applaud those in vital roles and regret that they must earn much less.

“Whether a binman, a cleaner, a bus driver, a delivery driver, a postman or one of the other people that keeps Britain running, your earnings must remain low as our tribute.

“Now is not the time to discuss an increase in salaries. To discuss monetary issues during a cost of living crisis would be vulgar and an insult to the genuine emotion of their work. They’re missionaries, not mercenaries.

“We couldn’t increase their pay without taking away everything that makes them so wonderful. If only I could be like them. But sadly, I have a huge house.”

The spokesman added: “Our adage is ‘Keep Calm And Carry On With A Unchanged Economic System’. Certainly makes sense to me.”