EVERYONE’s struggling right now, and everyone’s got tips to help. But have you tried downing a bottle of brandy while drawing tattoos on your own arms?
Get a glass
It’s important to maintain standards, so get a glass to drink the first half of the bottle from. Ideally a clean one but alcohol is a sanitiser so it’s not strictly necessary, if you’re already at that stage.
Get a biro
Find one now because it’ll be a lot harder to find one when you’re halfway through the bottle. Choose either blue, for that nostalgic sailors’ tattoo effect, or honest Shoreditch hipster black.
Start drinking
Usually it might take a few sips to make the taste and the burning go away, but given the way you’re feeling about life currently it’s probably better to take a man-sized swig then wait until your eyes stop watering.
Sketch a couple of ideas on paper
Put down a few of your tattoo idea on paper to see how childish they are. What ink do you want to wear this evening? A classic jizzing cock, or something more sophisticated like Garfield smoking a spliff? The choice is all yours.
Finish the brandy
Before putting pen to forearm make sure you’ve finished the entire bottle of brandy. Your throat will be burning, your head spinning, and the whole pandemic situation completely gone from your mind.
Get to work
What have you chosen? A protestation of love for an ex-partner you only ever remember when this drunk, because they gave fantastic head? Brexit MP Mark Francois with a speech bubble saying ‘IM A TWAT’? The lyrics to It’s My Life by Bon Jovi? It doesn’t matter, you won’t even remember tomorrow.
