How to drink a bottle of brandy and draw tattoos on your arm with a biro

EVERYONE’s struggling right now, and everyone’s got tips to help. But have you tried downing a bottle of brandy while drawing tattoos on your own arms? 

Get a glass

It’s important to maintain standards, so get a glass to drink the first half of the bottle from. Ideally a clean one but alcohol is a sanitiser so it’s not strictly necessary, if you’re already at that stage.

Get a biro

Find one now because it’ll be a lot harder to find one when you’re halfway through the bottle. Choose either blue, for that nostalgic sailors’ tattoo effect, or honest Shoreditch hipster black.

Start drinking

Usually it might take a few sips to make the taste and the burning go away, but given the way you’re feeling about life currently it’s probably better to take a man-sized swig then wait until your eyes stop watering.

Sketch a couple of ideas on paper

Put down a few of your tattoo idea on paper to see how childish they are. What ink do you want to wear this evening? A classic jizzing cock, or something more sophisticated like Garfield smoking a spliff? The choice is all yours.

Finish the brandy

Before putting pen to forearm make sure you’ve finished the entire bottle of brandy. Your throat will be burning, your head spinning, and the whole pandemic situation completely gone from your mind.

Get to work

What have you chosen? A protestation of love for an ex-partner you only ever remember when this drunk, because they gave fantastic head? Brexit MP Mark Francois with a speech bubble saying ‘IM A TWAT’? The lyrics to It’s My Life by Bon Jovi? It doesn’t matter, you won’t even remember tomorrow.

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Man afraid to touch his door handle will let five teenagers make a pizza for him

A MAN who puts his sleeve over his hand to open the front door is still eating pizza made by five teenagers on minimum wage. 

Stephen Malley, who not only wears a surgical mask during walks in the park but holds his breath when anyone goes by, is happy to gamble on the hygiene standards of Mario’s Pizza’s food preparation and delivery team.

He said: “I’m very worried about contracting coronavirus but nothing beats the taste and value of a large pepperoni with chips for eight quid. At that price I’m sure they’re not cutting corners.

“You can’t trust these big chains like Domino’s. A small operation, the type where you used to be able to buy fags as well that has clipart of a chef on the boxes, won’t gamble with the health of their loyal customers.”

Mario’s employee Jo Kramer said: “Yeah, we’re all safe from the coronavirus here because we’re young so can’t get it. Which is also why we ignore lockdown rules.

“Nonetheless, it’s not COVID-19 that the customers need to worry about. It’s E. coli.”