Lobster mac 'n' cheese, and what else to expect in your M&S essential food box

MIDDLE-CLASS grocer Marks & Spencer are launching an essential food delivery box for £35 plus delivery. These items should keep your household a cut above:

Miniature port tasting kit

A reported symptom of coronavirus is the loss of taste and smell, so keep your nose finely tuned by distinguishing between undertones of cherries and bark in some of the finest ports the world can offer. Oak box doubles up as a cheese board.

Lobster mac ’n’ cheese

Pasta is apparently the thing right now, so here’s an ironic take on what all those heroic key workers are eating. The secret ingredient? Fresh Maine lobster at £40 a kilo. Practically Instagrams itself.

Per Una silk scarf 

Can’t find a mask? Not to worry, gossamer-like scarves wrapped loosely around the face offer the same protection as medical-grade equipment. Your light silk scarf comes in either a summer butterfly or autumn leaf design, both of which scream menopause.

Percy Pig (without pals)

Percy Pigs are an essential pick-me-up for any household where children are better. This special edition will not feature any of his pals, as they are tucked away in their own pens desperately homeschooling their farmyard offspring whilst trying to support themselves financially.

A handwritten letter from Her Majesty The Queen

M&S has partnered with the Queen so that anybody who purchases an essential food hamper will receive a handwritten letter from Her Majesty with words of encouragement. A privilege usually afforded only to people who turn 100, but the Royal Household can see which way the wind is blowing.

A hidden compartment with two litres of value gin

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Homeschooled child realises parents are f**king idiots

A HOMESCHOOLED child has realised he is both more intelligent and better educated than his clueless cretin parents. 

Julian Cook, aged 14, has been adjusting to distance learning by discovering that his mother and father cannot do simple maths, have read nothing, and thought Hitler was the baddie in both World Wars.

He said: “Dad told me my algebra was wrong because ‘you can’t add letters’. Mum refused to accept that Isaac Newton wasn’t Italian. Neither of them can spell.

“Over the last week I’ve had to gently disabuse them of the idea that Henry I to VIII reigned consecutively, and while I was briefly fooled into thinking Dad had read Emily Brontë he’s only heard the Kate Bush song.

“Then he wanted me to ‘bunk off’ my French revision so we could play football in the garden.

“They know nothing about anything. I never realised I was a prodigy. Or perhaps they’re both just very, very stupid.”

Mum Anna said: “And teachers think education’s difficult. I might switch to full-time home schooling next year so I can get the summer off.”