Man recreates music festival at home by wetting himself in a sleeping bag

A MAN has recreated the experience of attending a music festival in his own home by wetting himself in a sleeping bag.

Music lover Stephen Malley voluntarily lost control of his bladder whilst lying in a nylon cocoon in an attempt to make up for the fun he will be missing this year at events such as Glastonbury.

Malley said: “If you make a YouTube playlist of shit bands and wave goodbye to your dignity, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy the pleasures of a music festival from the comfort of your living room.

“Kipping in a North Face sleeping bag filled with my own lukewarm piss was the pinnacle though, so I built up to it by spending hours pointlessly refreshing the same webpage and then dragging my clothes through some mud.”

Festival organiser Tom Booker said: “Waking up swimming in your own urine is the highlight of the festival experience, and I’m glad Stephen isn’t letting coronavirus get in the way of living that dream.

“However, for campers who prefer a VIP experience I recommend drinking gin-based botanical cocktails instead of a three-litre bottle of White Lightning.”

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Illness, unemployment or reruns of Only Fools and Horses: which worst case scenario are you preparing for?

AS Britain braces itself for the pandemic to continue, fears are growing about just how bad things could get. Here are some worst case scenarios to plan for.

Catching the virus

Statistically, it is likely that the majority of the population will become infected at some point, but thankfully most will remain well enough to tweet tediously about the experience. A good stock of paracetamol should see you through.

Losing your job

Unless you’re retired, a child or someone called Tarquin whose parents gave him a Coutts account and a Dalmatian for his 21st birthday, the prospect of not having a job is understandably concerning. Why not spruce up your CV? You’ve got time, after all.

Seeing no one apart from close family

The initial three weeks was a bad enough prospect, but who knows how long this will go on for? Previously detested colleagues are beginning to feel like your best friends now that seeing them on Zoom is the only way escape your family for 15 minutes.

No holiday this year

Not only are you unable to leave the country, you can’t even leave your home. Trying to get the family enthused about camping in the garden will be a thankless task, and the inevitable comparisons to your usual fortnight in Crete terribly depressing.

Reruns of Only Fools and Horses

With TV production halted due to the virus, the threat is real that broadcasters will be forced to draw on their back catalogue of shows we have all watched too many times already. The highlight of our cultural life for the next 12 months might be Del Boy falling through that bloody bar.

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