Man waxing nostalgic about good old DVDs until he tries to watch one of the bastards

A MAN raving about the upsides of DVDs has been swiftly undone by the many headaches of actually trying to watch one, it has emerged.

Tom Booker’s misguided enthusiasm for the old media format immediately began to dwindle as he struggled to insert one into his DVD player only for it to be spat back out several times.

He said: “Ignore that. It’s all part of the charm. Like this hiss and crackle you get on vinyl, which I also stubbornly persist with.

“Just wait until you see this baby in action, you’ll see that it’s way better than streaming. Fair play, these unskippable trailers mean you’ll be waiting ages, but it’s worth it to witness a glorious standard definition viewing experience.

“Christ, I forgot the menus were an absolute nightmare to navigate. And that all the extra features were shit. What kind of freak wastes their time looking at a photo gallery of the cast or hunting down underwhelming Easter eggs?

“At least the case looks nice on my shelf. Although it does take up room I don’t have to spare. But I’ll be dead and buried before forking out again to watch The Mummy Returns.”

Booker’s girlfriend Donna Sherridan said: “The best thing about DVDs is that you can trade them in at CEX. Cashing in five dozen of the f**kers can buy one whole month of Disney+ Basic.”

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Middle-aged women delighted by ugly modern fashions

MIDDLE-AGED women seeing 20-something girls dressed in cargo pants, faux fur gilets and bandanas have confirmed they are delighted by how ugly modern fashions are.

Ladies with names like Claire and Debbie say they are very satisfied to see beautiful, dewy-skinned goddesses cast off their natural advantages in favour of tracksuit bottoms in public.

Susan Traherne, 49, said: “I doff my cap – or rather, my niece’s hideous denim bucket hat – to whichever evil designers and magazine editors came up with all this. They must be in the pay of the WI.

“It comes to something when you walk past a group of teenagers in a shopping centre who theoretically look fashionable but I, in last year’s M&S Per Una range, am objectively more elegant and stylish.

“We have no fear our husbands’ heads will be turned by lithe nymphets in culottes and oversized T-shirts with bum bags. The trend for crop tops is admittedly still a threat, but on the whole we’re overjoyed.

“Thank you, Urban Outfitters, for all you’ve done to make women with big cotton knickers and sagging tits feel like Sydney Sweeney. Even she would look frumpy in the denim maxi skirt shit coming out of ASOS right now.”

20-year-old fashion student Lucy Parry said: “I don’t care what middle-aged people think anyway. I dress to attract the hot guys with their mullets, pencil moustaches and Crocs.”