Milton Keynes told to ditch European Capital of Culture bid but not because of Brexit

MILTON Keynes has been advised its European Capital of Culture bid would be unsuccessful even if Britain stayed in the EU and paid £350m a day.

Confirming the UK candidate cities would be excluded from the contest, an EU spokesman said: “It’s a shame about Dundee, Belfast and Leeds. They have some culture. Not what we Europeans would necessarily call proper culture, but they had the right idea.

“Nottingham was an odd one, but we honest-to-god just assumed that Milton Keynes was a joke.”

The spokesman added: “Anyway, we would hate for the people of  Milton Keynes to think they lost out because of Brexit. That would be unfair and unhelpful to them in the long term. There was never the slightest chance they would even be considered.

“We’d be more likely to award the title to an abandoned bus in a scrapyard in Mogadishu.

“Was it actually a joke?”

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Shops think you want a Christmas sandwich

SUPERMARKETS are convinced that customers want unpleasant Christmas sandwiches that are a mockery of festive food, it has emerged.

Their belief that Britons crave a crude, snack-sized approximation of a traditional turkey dinner they can eat at their desks has brought a wealth of products to shelves, each equally unappetising.

A supermarket spokesman said: “Our turkey sandwiches are exactly like a festive roast with all the trimmings, if you serve yours stone cold between slices of brown bread.

“There’s cranberry-flavour sauce, gristly sausage chunks and a huge squirt of mayonnaise for ‘lubrication’. And who could resist that rubbery bacon and lovely bland stuffing?”

Marketing manager Donna Sheridan said: “When I eat a Christmas sandwich it’s as if I’m at a Victorian banquet with a huge, golden turkey and elegant guests sipping sherry.

“While I’m walking down the street, in the pissing rain, on my way back to work, in the mid-afternoon dark when I’m already into my overdraft.

“Merry Christmas, one and all. In November.”