Monty Don, and other celebrities your mum would leave your dad for in a heartbeat

YOUR parents have been happily married for years. But if anyone of these blokes tried to woo her, your mum would chuck your dad in an instant.

Kevin McCloud

No ordinary man stands a chance next to this thoughtful, measured leather-jacket-clad siren. If he ever showed an interest in your mum, your dad would be living out of a suitcase in your spare room while she’s lording it up with McCloud in an architectural gem in the Dordogne.

Monty Don

With his sensitive gardening hands and a voice so rich and chocolatey it makes your mum’s knee replacements quiver, Monty Don is the ultimate dream boat for seniors. Unlike your father, Monty has interests beyond drinking Old Peculiar in front of the rugby, and your mum longs to roll around with him on a bed of chrysanthemums at Longmeadow.

Alexander Armstrong

Picture the scene: your mum’s bridge club have been bussed in to be in the audience for a taping of Pointless and Armstrong flashes her a wink from behind his podium. Instantly, she’s sprinting onto the set, tearing off her wedding ring, ready for a hot slice of middle-aged quiz host. And if she’s misread the situation, she’ll settle for Osman.

Paul Hollywood

Paul Hollywood ia a gorgeous silver fox with eyes like sapphires filled with sexy hate and he can bake. Your dad meanwhile, is a retired plumber with a questionable moustache and bad breath. If Hollywood came knocking, your mum would be like a moth to that burning Scouse flame.

Dermot O’Leary

Don’t think that your mum wouldn’t throw everything away for one night of sordid passion with this fine hunk. Who cares that he’s two decades younger than her at a mere 49-years-old? As far as she’s concerned, being a young whippersnapper makes him all the more exciting.

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Man sends dick pic to his wife

A WOMAN was horrified to receive a photo of her husband’s penis after he sent it to her under the misapprehension she would find it sexy.

Nathan Muir WhatsApped his wife Carolyn a poorly lit shot of his genitals taken in the office bathroom during his lunch break, in a wildly misguided act of romance.

Carolyn Muir said: “I was in a meeting when the alert popped up and thought some awful emergency must have happened for him to be messaging in the middle of the day.

“When the photo first loaded I was perplexed as to why he’d sent me a picture of a what looked like a Peperami he’d rescued from a bin. Then I realised what it was and nearly threw the phone across the room out of sheer disgust.

“I see that limp little thing every morning and evening, so why he thought it would take on some sort of incredible sexual allure while I was talking my boss through the quarterly sales report is beyond me.

“Did I reciprocate? Are you mental? I’m well aware that no sane person wants to see a grainy, badly-focussed picture of my muff. Not even bloody Nathan.”