Movie prisons ranked by ease of escape from piss-easy to nails

FOR every cinematic prison that remains shut, usually caging scantily-clad women, there’s a jail with an open-door policy. Here’s how they rank: 

Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, all Batman films

The ball pit at soft play is harder to get out of than Arkham. Inmates spend 20 minutes incarcerated, in full costume, with all equipment kept in a lock-up down the corridor behind a slumbering guard. Then they leave and sign up on the roster of who’s fighting Batman next.

Istanbul Prison, Midnight Express, 1978

Brad Davis spent years suffering in prison after being banged up for drug smuggling. He finally escapes by unlocking a prison door and walking out. Much like the way you broke out of your house this morning by unlocking the door and walking out.

HMP Slade, Porridge, 1979

If you ever get locked up, pray it’s in HMP Slade, with no anal sex in the showers or shanking with a sharpened toothbrush handle. In the movie Ronnie Barker escapes against his will which didn’t happen to the Guildford Four.

Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 2004

The one where Harry, Hermione and the ginger one use the doobrie to do the thingy with the whatsit to reveal the plot point and Gary Oldman breaks out. Everyone thinks Gary’s a baddie but, spoiler alert, he’s a goodie. Like everyone thought Severus Snape was a baddie but, spoiler alert, he’s a goodie.

Shawshank State Penitentiary, The Shawshank Redemption, 1994

All you need to get out of Shawshank is a teeny, tiny hammer, a series of posters and about 20 years. And spending months showering too often after swimming through raw sewage. Bathers at UK coastal resorts sympathise with Andy Dufresne.

Stalag Luft III, The Great Escape, 1963

Extremely difficult to escape from, requiring pommel horses, trousers filled with soil and hundreds of fake documents and items of civilian clothing. The theme tune is still whistled subconsciously by every office worker who dreams of tunnelling from under their desk to the street outside but knows their prison of wages and rent is inescapable.

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Man's complex maths justifying age-gap with girlfriend solid foundation for relationship

A 39-YEAR-OLD man dating a 22-year-old woman has a mathematical formula that explains why it is perfectly fine. 

Tom Logan admitted he felt asking Charlotte Phelps out could be dodgy, given the 17 years between them, but a series of complex rules prove that actually it is not creepy and has a great future.

He continued: “Sure, I’ve dated women the same age as me because I thought it was the right thing to do. But that was before I discovered age-gap algorithms.

“If you half my age, multiply by three, square it then average by income gap, it makes an actual number. That proves it’s completely normal and, in many cultures, a sign of respecting women.

“She was born in the year 2000. I was 17 then, the gap between us now, and if my age had reset to zero with the Millennium Bug then we’d be the same age, which proves we’re twin souls destined to be together.

“We’re living in the 21st century, the only century Charlotte has been alive in, so we need to be open to age-gap relationships that follow self-serving maths.”

Phelps said: “Yeah but he is ancient though.”