Musical 'legends' you'll get hate mail for rightfully calling out as shite

MUSIC history is littered with performers hailed as groundbreaking legends. Here are some you’ll get abuse for if you so much as hint they’re not musical geniuses.

The Clash

Punk visionaries or a bit of a pub band? Some weird, meaningless lyrics – how exactly does one go about ‘rocking’ a North African citadel? – and a lot of ultra-simple tunes. Still, at least they’re easy to play, although with ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ you may not want to. 

Kate Bush

Nothing screams ‘pretentious, arty 6th form drama student’ more than devoting a song to the plot of an Emily Bronte novel while performing a painfully silly dance. The queen of the ear-crippling caterwaul, Kate had the chance to tell Peter Gabriel to stop whining on ‘Don’t Give Up’ but instead chose to join in.

The Stone Roses

Having a singer who can’t hit a single f**king note is usually a drawback for a band, but it didn’t trouble the Roses. Pity the sound engineers who had to sit through Ian Brown’s haplessly tuneless vocals night after night. Also think back to the up-our-own-arses outro to ‘Fool’s Gold’ which went on longer and more unpleasantly than a tantric shag with Sting.


Possibly okay during the Peter Gabriel years so long as you were a stoned art student with a silly wispy beard. But when bland professional Cockney Phil Collins took over, even that last vestige of respectability evaporated. ‘I Can’t Dance’ should have been called ‘I Can’t Write A Song That Isn’t Hopelessly Naff’. Your mum probably likes them too.

Bruce Springsteen

Controversial choice but worthy of inclusion just for that godawful rendition of ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’. No one has ever been able to decipher what ‘Dancing In The Dark’ is about, although apparently ‘this gun’s for hire’. We do know unequivocally where Bruce was born, so at least that’s cleared up.

Jethro Tull

Naming yourself after an 18th century agriculturalist who invented something as boring as the seed drill should be a red flag right from the start. Having a frontman who can play the flute while standing on one leg might have been deemed novel and entertaining from a jester in a medieval court, but that’s probably where it needs to stay.

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Priti Patel's lifetime of being disinvited to things

BEING disinvited by France is the latest in a long line of snubs for Priti Patel. Here is everything the Home Secretary has been turned away from during her life so far.

Classmates’ birthday parties

Patel’s Marvel-style origin story. She merrily skipped to a classmate’s house for cake and jelly, then enforced the rules of pass the parcel with iron discipline and terrified the other children with stories about scary migrants. She was shown the door and now we’re all suffering the consequences.

Office Christmas bashes

She was once invited to one, only to ruin the fun by restricting everyone to two drinks and forbidding any arses being scanned on the photocopier. Ever since her colleagues have tried to stop her coming with flimsy excuses like Christmas being cancelled that year to give everyone a rest from it.

Hen dos

While the other women were happy to make twats of themselves by wearing stupid outfits and drinking out of cock-shaped straws, Priti Patel stood off to the side in her personalised flak jacket sneering at proceedings with a superior smirk. All her other hen do invites have mysteriously got lost in the post.

Baby showers

Patel believes babies are soft on law and order, only taking an interest in gurgling and eating mush from a jar. Mums-to-be can’t be blamed for not inviting the humanity-sucking Dementor into their homes for a baby shower in case she picks an argument with the baby while it’s still in the womb.

Basic human decency lessons

All Tory MPs have to attend basic common decency lessons so they can appear vaguely sympathetic in front of the cameras. And while they all forget everything they’re taught, Patel wasn’t even invited because the organisers correctly thought it would be pointless and just add to the cost of the buffet.