Naked Attraction: Shows that shouldn't have a middle-aged parents version

ITV has tried to recreate the success of Love Island with My Mum, Your Dad, a slightly glum dating show for single parents. Here are more that don’t need a middle-aged version.

Naked Attraction

Having genitals thrust in your face apparently celebrates bodies of all shapes and sizes, but a never-ending parade of sagging balls isn’t most people’s idea of must-see TV. Plus it might prove too much even for Anna Richardson’s unflagging enthusiasm for cock to get excited about thousands of paunchy people’s droopy, wrinkled sex organs. 

Take Me Out

The Paddy McGuinness-fronted freakshow has featured 40-somethings before, but they’ve all been rapidly rejected for being overly pervy, having a weird obsessive hobby, or both. Viewers want to see some cuties, not just lame dads who can do ‘a mean Gary Barlow impression’ at karaoke and self-proclaimed ‘cougars’ wanting a Timothée Chalamet lookalike to come down in the Love Lift. And you can’t help but agree.

The Circle

This social media catfishing experiment involves contestants making up shit about themselves on an app. Middle-aged contestants wouldn’t like the format requiring them to be imprisoned in an apartment block, preferring the creature comforts of home and a nice cup of Yorkshire Tea in front of Gogglebox. Also they’re still slightly confused by apps, so after fiddling with it fruitlessly for a bit, the whole show would consist of them sitting quietly playing Candy Crush Saga.

Love Island

A full-on middle-aged version of Casa De Amor would be painful. Parents in the villa would be more concerned about sunscreen and meal planning than trying to look fit, and the sexiest qualities in a partner would be whether they’ve paid off their mortgage and the quality of schools in their area. Plus there’s the small but real risk of seeing your mum bitchily claiming ‘Jayda is so fake’ before snogging a paunchy, receding sales manager. Or as you’ll soon know him, ‘Dad’.

Below Deck

The reality hit’s allure lies in the cast manning a superyacht while trying to get their leg over and knowing f**k all about seafaring. A middle-aged crew would see mansplaining dads trying to take charge and mums doing laundry all day, just like at home. Then they’d have to cope with the wealthy ‘charter guests’ thrown into the mix to spice things up, ie. cause arguments. Someone would forget to check the radar, they’d stray into the path of a Chinese supertanker and the rest is a tragic maritime disaster.


You have to be quite old to remember Davina McCall trying to pair up high street shoppers against their will. Approaching middle-aged people who turn out to be married could lead to a lot of suspicious partners, plus finding way too many sleazy married blokes who’d love a bit on the side, round the back of Asda now if necessary. Even if you were suitably single, most of us would prefer not to find love standing outside a Ladbrokes with a C-list presenter shouting at you to mate with a random divorcee.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman copying everything her crush does realises he's a wanker

A WOMAN aiming to impress a crush by mimicking his behaviour has been dismayed to discover he is a massive arsehole.

23-year-old Charlotte Phelps started to copy slightly older Tom Booker, 31, before realising she would have to become an annoying pseud with a ludicrously high opinion of herself and shit glasses.

Phelps said: “I thought if I took on aspects of his personality he’d find me attractive because we’d be alike. Then I realised it would involve me becoming a pretentious, narcissistic bastard too. 

“Obviously I began by reading the same books as Tom. Unfortunately those books are f**king dull. It’s all wilfully obscure poems and GCSE English classics I’m sure he doesn’t understand. 

“As for films, he watches the most obvious things imaginable for his demographic. So I’d also have to think The Godfather is the greatest film ever made. Gosh, how original.

“Unfortunately I read somewhere that if you copy your crush’s body language they’ll find you attractive, but copying Tom has just given me loads of bad habits – eating with my mouth open, borderline alcoholism, scratching my genitals in public. 

“My friends now think I’m a total prick. And they’re right. I wouldn’t hang out with me.”

Booker said: “Most women are infatuated with me, even if they don’t realise it. Nothing’s going to happen with Charlotte though. How could I go out with someone who’s never seen The Hidden Fortress?”