Hannah Ingram-Moore: Dad wanted me to cut down Sycamore Gap tree

CAPTAIN Tom’s daughter has revealed it was his wish for her to cut down the Sycamore Gap tree.

Speaking from her pool filled to the brim with £50 notes, Hannah Ingram-Moore explained that Captain Tom always hated the sight of the Sycamore Gap tree and it was his dying request for her to take a chainsaw to it.

She said: “Don’t get mad at me. Blame the national treasure war hero who raised £38 million for the NHS during the pandemic, God rest his soul.

“Whenever we drove past it, which we did often, his cheerful smile would drop and the real Captain Tom would come out. ‘The Bowthorpe Oak dicks on that upstart piece of shit,’ I remember him screaming.

“His deep loathing of the Sycamore Gap tree was even the plot of his third book. Not that anyone ever got round to reading it because the first one was a trite collection of life advice rattled off for a quick buck.

“Anyway, how could I say no after all he did for us? Leaving it standing would have been a blight on his legacy, which thanks to my careful stewardship is immaculate and will remain so for generations to come.

“Everyone’s anger was pretty traumatising though. So I’ve set up the Hannah Ingram-Moore charity if you want to sling a few quid towards my counselling bill.”

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The Exorcist, and other films f**kwits thought were real

AS the Exorcist reboot arrives in cinemas, it’s worth remembering that the original left morons convinced demonic possession was real. Here are some more which viewers uncritically believed.

Capricorn One, 1977

This conspiracy thriller proves the 1969 moon landing was a hoax. Why? Because it depicts a fake mission to Mars filmed on a soundstage. For some people, a conspiracy theory lending itself to an entertaining film was all the proof they needed that it was real. If this is your threshold for evidence, try banging your head very hard against a brick wall. It might jolt your brain into working. It certainly won’t do any harm.

The Exorcist, 1973

Spooky, yes. Proof of demons? No, due it being a fictional film based on a fictional novel featuring fictional people (‘characters’). The amusing thing about buying into demonic possession is the sheer number of nutso beliefs it requires. Evil demons exist. The limit of their ambition is scaring small girls and killing the odd priest, which would be quicker with a gun. Satan, and therefore God, and therefore Jesus, and therefore bringing corpses back to life, are all real. Gullible twats would have been better off seeing Carry On Girls on the screen next door.

The Blair Witch Project, 1999

It’s hard to believe anyone thought this was real simply because the people near the beginning are clearly actors. Shit actors, yes, but actors nonetheless. Considering nothing much happens, which is more likely: (A) some people made a cheap film, or (B) murderous ancient witches live in the woods doing handicrafts? William of Occam would have had a field day. Actually he wouldn’t, he’d have been f**k-bored like the rest of the audience.

JFK, 1991

Did you get a strange feeling during JFK, similar to being asked to memorise 20 phone numbers while extremely pissed? That’s because none of the theories really stand up, so Oliver Stone throws them all at you in the hope some will stick. And they certainly did with some people, who now feel an unstable loner with strange political views and good marksman skills could not have killed JFK, and instead it was an insanely complex plot involving everyone in the United States except Jackie Kennedy. Although we shouldn’t rule her out. She could have been ‘hiding in plain sight’, as morons like to say.

Slender Man, 2018

Loosely based on the real case of two teenage girls stabbing a friend 19 times to appease internet meme Slender Man. Which the film doesn’t portray accurately either. You’ve got to wonder about the future of humanity when people believe in Slender Man, the well-documented product of a Photoshop contest. Maybe in 2073 we’ll all be worshipping at the Church of Kenobi.

Braveheart, 1995

Actually pretty enjoyable, if you set your historicity expectations to ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’. The danger is that Mel Gibson’s romanticised Celtic romp replaces actual history in people’s minds. Which it appears to have done – not surprising because there isn’t exactly a glut of TV and films about regular guy William Wallace. It’s just a shame it’s less historically accurate than Asterix in Britain.

The Strangers, 2008

Infuriatingly illogical horror movie with Liv Tyler ‘based on a true story’, which a lot of people took literally. Odd, because saying a film is a ‘true story’ is widely known to be meaningless, and anything even vaguely resembling killers in creepy doll masks offing someone as hot as Arwen would be global news. The makers later admitted the ‘true story’ was the Charles Manson killings, which is as tenuous as saying Dogtanian was real because you once went to Calais.