MADONNA is in the UK this week to start her world tour. Here, 52-year-old Martin Bishop explains to younger generations the significance of this geriatric lady with a strange face.
She didn’t always look like that
I know you’re wondering why an elderly woman with an amount of fillers that would baffle the Kardashians has sold out the O2 arena, but she was young once, like me. And very popular too, with women, gays and shifty blokes who were both terrified and turned on by her conical bra. Like me.
She was so shocking she was excommunicated by the Pope
You’re used to singers banging on about their wet ass pussies left, right and centre, so writhing around with a black Jesus in a music video will cause you no concern. However, it upset the Pope so much that he excommunicated Madge. Yeah, I don’t actually know what that means either.
She caused a furore by snogging Britney Spears
In 2023 every other singer is gay or genderqueer and nobody gives a toss. However, way back in 2003, Madonna snogged Britney Spears at the MTV Awards and the world pretty much stopped spinning on its axis. The lengths your generation have to go to upset people now is ridiculous. I’m sure Sam Smith would spend a lot less time trussed up in PVC like a kinky Billy Bunter if he could just shock everyone by snogging Lewis Capaldi.
She released a book called Sex and everyone lost their shit
Back in 1992 porn was not two clicks away on your mobile because the internet hadn’t been invented and watching videos on a telephone was the preserve of Tomorrow’s World. So when Madonna released a book full of sexy pictures, it caused worldwide consternation. Given that you knew what the reverse cowgirl was by the age of 13 it would be about as raunchy as a daguerreotype of a Victorian lady’s ankle to you.
We thought she’d have stopped by now
You’re right, it’s strange that a woman your granny’s age is doing a huge stage show featuring songs called Like A Virgin and Erotica. And yes, it must be mortifying for her kids – you’d run away and live in a ditch if I so much as took my top off at the beach. And rightly so. Honestly, we thought she’d have jacked it in by now but presumably she needs the money. Get your pensions sorted out, kids, or you might end up like Madonna.