Netflix vs Apple TV vs Disney+ vs Amazon Prime: Why not cancel all of them?

CASH-STRAPPED households are choosing which streaming service to cancel and plumping for ‘all of them’. Here’s why:

Netflix is full of shite

Once a pioneering producer of high-end content, Netflix has pivoted to crap. Every other new show on the station is shovel-in shite, while their policy of giving renowned filmmakers millions for pet projects has proved how wise studios were not to. Would you rather watch The Power of the Dog or Is It Cake? F**king neither.

Apple TV is largely empty

Making its usual ‘we run the world already but I suppose we’ve got cash to spend’ half-hearted effort, Apple’s come up with about three shows you’ve heard of and an Oscar-winning film you’re desperate not to see. Ted Lasso’s the kind of heartwarming very-special-episode sitcom that used to be on BBC2 at 6pm.

Disney+ sucks balls

The only streaming service that is actively making its flagship franchises – Star Wars and Marvel – drop in value. The various Star Wars series have forced viewers to conclude that more films would be a very bad idea, while Moon Knight and Hawkeye have revealed most Marvel heroes are just men with sticks. You don’t want to see Disney die. Not like this.

NOW is just Sky

Remember that mate who had Sky in the 90s? You went round anticipating a new world of televisual delights, and instead found 68 channels of repeated bollocks. This is basically that without even The Simpsons.

Amazon Prime barely even tries

Amazon Prime’s core function is getting shit you don’t need to your house really fast, and the streaming service works the same way. They’ll bung on a film most weekends but the quality control’s the same as the quality control for cheap Chinese-made ring lights.

BritBox is misplaced nostalgia as a subscription

Remember all those shows you loved, that were formative, that made you who you are? They’re all on Britbox in 4:3 ratio and they look like complete shit. With every one you watch more of your illusions are torn away. It’s like being crushed to death under an avalanche of dusty VHS tapes in the back room of an abandoned charity shop.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Congratulations! You have read your 765th feel-shit article in the Guardian this year

CONGRATULATIONS. You are one of our most regular readers. It’s clear you respect our journalism, free of influence from wealthy proprietors and special interest groups, which makes you feel like crap just reading the headlines alone.

We’re talking about such vital investigative stories such as ‘The plight of Turkmenistan’s mistreated goats’, ‘How just one glass of wine causes dementia’ and ‘Everyone on earth to be boiled alive next Thursday unless we act now, which we won’t’.

It’s journalism that will turn your breakfast coffee to gravel in your mouth – not surprising when you read George Monbiot’s expose of the Colombian peasants picking the beans working 140 hours a week for one cent a year. 

There’s also our vibrant Comment section, where every other day a columnist will be shocked to the core that the Tories are not very nice, despite them being horrible swine since 2010. And still have a childish crush on Rishi Sunak even now.

And there’s the lifestyle advice that matters to you, such as how to transform the large spare room you’re assumed to own into a mindful hygge space, how to have a soy-based Halloween, or a supposedly amusing account of buying a wood burner by an incredibly middle-class freelancer.

If you want us to carry on bringing you a slew of relentlessly dispiriting articles, with no political solution offered but to vote for the no-hope Lib Dems, then please, please consider taking up a monthly subscription with us. We’re f**king begging you.

That way, you won’t miss out on stories like ‘The cruel billion dollar trade in otter nipples’ and ‘Why only eating our own excrement can relieve Britain’s broken sewage systems’. We can’t do this depressing shit without you.