Oscars announce this year's celebrity slapfights

THE Oscars have announced this year’s glittering Hollywood celebrity slapfights to take place live on stage.

The 95th Academy Awards will expand on last year’s wildly popular Will Smith-administered belt across the face for Chris Rock with a whole slate of slaps, hair-pulling and kicks to the shin.

A spokesman said: “Realised all you ever wanted to see was millionaire actors backhanding each other across their spoilt chops? Come the f**k down.

“We have responded to worldwide audience demand with a sparking array of A-list twattings. Even on the red carpet Jennifer Lawrence will be giving Bill Nighy the wedgie he’s long deserved.

“Jamie Lee Curtis is slapping Austin Butler, Angela Basset’s pushing Guillermo del Toro over while Ana de Armas kneels behind him so he falls right on his fat arse, and Paul Mescal is rubbing both of Tom Cruise’s ears really hard. It kills.

“Steven Spielberg is tipped for the lifetime achievement award which he’ll accept graciously, along with a kick in the nads from Andrea Riseborough.

“There won’t be a Smith-Rock rematch, unfortunately, because Will Smith is a little bitch. Quote me on that. Tell him if he’s got a problem with it he can tell me to my f**king face.”

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Not holding your phone to your ear, and other annoying shit that can be blamed on The Apprentice

THE Apprentice has got a lot to answer for, besides putting several hundred hours of excruciating twats on television. Like these annoyances.

Not holding your phone to your ear

Before wannabe business dickheads needed both sides of their inane conversations heard, people used their phone normally by holding it up to their ear. Now it’s caught on among the public and we have to listen to twats yelling at each other about targets during what should be a peaceful train journey, and it’s all down to Alan bloody Sugar.

Speaking in cliches without shame

Imagine going on national television and saying ‘Don’t tell me the sky is the limit if there are footprints on the moon’ without it being a dare, or being really drunk. And yet people do it without embarrassment every year on The Apprentice. Normalising this kind of dimwitted behaviour is one of the reasons the country is so f**ked.

Driving everywhere in a fleet of vans

If you work in Central London, you get the Tube because the traffic is a nightmare and the congestion charge costs a fortune. On The Apprentice they drive everywhere in large vans with blacked out windows, as if they’re a highly-trained team of CIA bodyguards, not dipshits attempting to sell poorly-made macarons to nonplussed tourists in Covent Garden.

Thinking being a massive prick is a good idea

No one on The Apprentice tries to be pleasant to work with or support their colleagues. They’re all backstabbing gobshites who’d f**k over their granny to get ahead. Have you ever heard of any of them again, apart from Katie ‘Cockroaches’ Hopkins, who made ‘insane far-right commentator’ her business model? Nope, and even The Sun got tired of Katie.

Believing Alan Sugar is the answer to your dreams

Back in the day, Lord Sugar was at the forefront of computer technology, but now he sells commercial space in big cities and coincidentally abuses people who like homeworking on Twitter. Is he really the guy to help young entrepreneurs with incredible ideas make it big? Since he’s a miserable old duffer and all his candidates are appalling nightmares with the intelligence of a cardboard box, it’s unlikely they’ll be starting the new Apple.