Eight posh celebrities you'd overcome your class principles to shag

EVEN in 2023 Britain is dominated by privilege, and the world of celebrities is no different. Could you cast aside your egalitarian principles to shag these posh oppressors? Yes.

Emilia Clarke

Went to various posh schools. Doesn’t have an army of dragons, but we’ll let that go. Intimacy might be marred by flashbacks to her line ‘Come with me if you want to live’ in Terminator Genisys, although visualising an elderly Arnie during sex is preferable to seeing any of Solo.

Tom Hiddleston

Tom went to Eton, but after the gruesome incompetence of Boris Johnson at running the country that’s not much of a recommendation in the sack. Maybe he’d need close supervision removing his socks, or try to put his penis in your ear. That’s probably why he split up with Taylor Swift.

Emily Blunt

All-round talented actor who was in the alien invasion manga adaptation Edge of Tomorrow, which makes her the perfect woman for sci-fi nerds because you could lose your virginity while finally finding out how the time loop works. 

Benedict Cumberbatch

Went to Harrow and is third cousin 16 times removed of King Richard III. That’s so posh no one knows what it is. Details of his sexual performance are unknown, but Dr Strange looks as if he’d be into some pretty kinky stuff in bed. Meanwhile Cumberbatch’s unstable Sherlock Holmes looks as if he’d cry after sex, so you’ll have to take your chances.

Georgia Toffolo

Cute but an actual member of the Tory party, so hopefully she wouldn’t rabbit on about Rishi Sunak during sex. Also a longer-term relationship could prove disastrous when you were introduced to her Made in Chelsea mates and roundly mocked as a turnip-munching peasant for not owning a single stately home.

Kit Harington 

So posh he sounds like a waterproof jacket for grouse shooting. He’s actually related to James I on his dad’s side and gunpowder plot leader Robert Catesby on his mum’s side, which must be confusing on bonfire night. James I had seven kids, so Kit is probably genetically pretty good at shagging.

Emilia Fox

The Emilias and Emilys are coming thick and fast, but let’s face it, it’s better than calling your kid Chantelle. Ms Fox is from the famous acting family, so if it was more than a casual shag you could probably get a signed DVD of Day of the Jackal off her dad Edward. However you’d live in fear of her wanker cousin Laurence popping round to talk right-wing bollocks. 

Eddie Redmayne 

Despite his fame, Eddie’s mainly been in stuff no one watched, so he’ll probably sleep with you out of sheer gratitude if you say you saw The Aeronauts (free on Amazon). However he scores highly on looks and poshness, and was in the same year at Eton as Prince William, so even if he’s shit in bed he might have some good stories about horse-faced baldy man.

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Work until you die, dogs: The government explains the new pension age changes

WHAT’S the use of a population that spends years sitting around doing f**k all? Here the Department for Work and Pensions explains the reasons behind the new age hike.

We don’t want you to be cold

We know you’re struggling with the cost of living – not our fault, blame Putin – but that won’t improve much and you can forget about us stopping energy firms making insane profits. Old people feel the cold, and being at work will cut your heating bills. We’re only thinking of you, and definitely not the £9 billion the Treasury needs due to our mad policies and not liking paying our taxes.

It’s good for your mental health

The elderly are lazy coffin dodgers who spend all day watching Loose Women then moan that they’re lonely and unstimulated. Stacking shelves at Tesco until you’re 95 will keep you fit and motivated, especially if you could be replaced by a robot. You’ll also enjoy the company of having stressed-out customers shout at you about continually rising prices.

The Devil finds work for idle hands

It’s unhealthy for people to have nothing to do all day, except the Royal Family. Just look at all the old people who’ve joined Just Stop Oil and started glueing themselves to motorways. Working your already arthritic old fingers down to the bone will keep you out of trouble until you’re incapable of remembering a troublesome opinion.

No one wants to be a burden

Old people worry about being a burden and so everyone lies and reassures them they’re valued members of society. The truth is useless pensioners are draining the country’s coffers like vampires. Do the right thing and keep working right up to the moment you keel over dead after a 12-hour shift in an Amazon warehouse. Then you can’t be accused of taking the piss.

But please don’t stop voting for us

The Conservatives’ largest demographic is pensioners, and we don’t want you to stop voting for us, so remember things would be worse under Labour. They’d somehow keep you working even after you were dead, and your slave master would be the IRA-loving champagne socialist vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn. See, we’re not that bad, are we?