EVEN in 2023 Britain is dominated by privilege, and the world of celebrities is no different. Could you cast aside your egalitarian principles to shag these posh oppressors? Yes.
Emilia Clarke
Went to various posh schools. Doesn’t have an army of dragons, but we’ll let that go. Intimacy might be marred by flashbacks to her line ‘Come with me if you want to live’ in Terminator Genisys, although visualising an elderly Arnie during sex is preferable to seeing any of Solo.
Tom Hiddleston
Tom went to Eton, but after the gruesome incompetence of Boris Johnson at running the country that’s not much of a recommendation in the sack. Maybe he’d need close supervision removing his socks, or try to put his penis in your ear. That’s probably why he split up with Taylor Swift.
Emily Blunt
All-round talented actor who was in the alien invasion manga adaptation Edge of Tomorrow, which makes her the perfect woman for sci-fi nerds because you could lose your virginity while finally finding out how the time loop works.
Benedict Cumberbatch
Went to Harrow and is third cousin 16 times removed of King Richard III. That’s so posh no one knows what it is. Details of his sexual performance are unknown, but Dr Strange looks as if he’d be into some pretty kinky stuff in bed. Meanwhile Cumberbatch’s unstable Sherlock Holmes looks as if he’d cry after sex, so you’ll have to take your chances.
Georgia Toffolo
Cute but an actual member of the Tory party, so hopefully she wouldn’t rabbit on about Rishi Sunak during sex. Also a longer-term relationship could prove disastrous when you were introduced to her Made in Chelsea mates and roundly mocked as a turnip-munching peasant for not owning a single stately home.
Kit Harington
So posh he sounds like a waterproof jacket for grouse shooting. He’s actually related to James I on his dad’s side and gunpowder plot leader Robert Catesby on his mum’s side, which must be confusing on bonfire night. James I had seven kids, so Kit is probably genetically pretty good at shagging.
Emilia Fox
The Emilias and Emilys are coming thick and fast, but let’s face it, it’s better than calling your kid Chantelle. Ms Fox is from the famous acting family, so if it was more than a casual shag you could probably get a signed DVD of Day of the Jackal off her dad Edward. However you’d live in fear of her wanker cousin Laurence popping round to talk right-wing bollocks.
Eddie Redmayne
Despite his fame, Eddie’s mainly been in stuff no one watched, so he’ll probably sleep with you out of sheer gratitude if you say you saw The Aeronauts (free on Amazon). However he scores highly on looks and poshness, and was in the same year at Eton as Prince William, so even if he’s shit in bed he might have some good stories about horse-faced baldy man.
