A stoner's guide to the greatest movies of all time

OKAY. The Oscars are bullshit, dude. For a truly mind-blowing movie experience, smoke this and watch these, writes stoned film critic Lauren Hewitt: 

The Matrix (1999)

Like it’s a cool movie with the coats and shit, but it is not afraid to ask the big questions. Is this a simulation? Are we in the matrix right now? How do we stop computers turning us into food? And why is it that these guys look so fantastic in leather coats, but only short fat beardy lads wear them in real life?

Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke (1978)

What Hitchcock was to horror, these dudes were to movies about bros who like to blaze up. Pioneers. Visionaries. Before they came along, Hollywood was too afraid to show a scene where two men smoked a joint containing Labrador faeces. They changed all that, so why aren’t they given the same respect?

American Pie (1999)

Citizen Kane’s old, man. There Will Be Blood is shouty and harsh. Wouldn’t you rather watch a kid f**king a pie? Exactly! Why are directors always trying to make movies so complicated and sad when what we really want to see is a man hump pastry? The Great British Bake Off is shit for similar reasons.

Interstellar (2014)

An absolute mind-bender because it’s all based on real science about gravity making time go faster. I actually understood it once, really deep into a half-ounce of Bubblegum Kush, and I’ve never been the same since. I was on the other side of the mirror, man! But it’s never happened since. It was just that one time.

This movie with Patrick Swayze where he’s like a Zen bouncer (199-?) 

I came in late to this one on TV but it was way cool. Swayze was like running this nightclub and kicking six kinds of ass in every situation while remaining totally chill. It’s not Point Break because that’s the surfer one. I think he was older than in Ghost though, or was that The Sixth Sense? Anyway it ruled.

The Big Lebowski (1998) 

A movie so good even the non-stoned can enjoy it. It’s almost like the Bible for me. If the people behind the Oscars had any integrity, this would have won Best Picture in every year since its release. Nothing has ever, or will ever, be created that surpasses it. It’s the Mona Lisa of weed.

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Woman's hobby is buying all the stuff for new hobby

A WOMAN has admitted her lifelong passion is buying all the expensive items required to take up a new hobby and then not doing it. 

Emma Bradford, aged 32, loves nothing more than hunting down sets of sauteeing pans, beading materials, bookbinding leather or mirror resilvering paints before storing them in the spare room, garage or loft.

She said: “There’s nothing better than that tingle of anticipation as you stumble on a new hobby, knowing how much fun you’ll have getting all the kit.

“After that well, though my mind was dancing with visions of home-made seaglass jewellery or going kayaking at the time, I tend to try it once, realise it’s something I’ll have to do for ages to get good at, and move on.

“I’ve already got a hobby I’m great at anyway. I eBay snipe at the very last second, picking up full sets of paints, barely-used rollerblades and vintage beehives for almost nothing.

“Though, having just discovered felt-making, I reckon that could tempt me away. I’m fizzing with ideas about the handbags I could create, and there’s a full set 40 miles away on Gumtree. I think this could be it.”

Later in the week, Bradford will say: “Actually, I am shit at this. I must be more of a crochet person.”