How to survive an hour without using the oven

CHASING a National Grid pay-out by not using the oven for a whole 60 minutes? Here’s how to survive without it for the length of a whole episode of Silent Witness. 

Get a takeaway

Man must eat, and it’s literally impossible to do it before 5pm or after 6pm, so like the hunter-gatherers of old you must order in. Pre-prepare excuses like ‘It’s been a long f**king day’ or ‘I don’t fancy what’s in the fridge’. Think of that lovely £3 per kilowatt hour saved.

Go to the pub

The mere offer of cold food could cause you to lash out and lose everything like Jeremy Clarkson, so do what he should have done and stay in the boozer. Pints and Scampi Fries in toasty warmth are fully justified and drinking enough is like insulation. You could manage this every night.

Use the microwave

Why do homes even have ovens? Food can be irradiated into edible condition much more quickly and affordably thanks to microwaves making other cooking appliances obsolete, as Tomorrow’s World informed us in 1970. It’d be like using a mangle when the iron is right there staring at you. All you eat is beans on toast anyway.

Distract yourself

The endless wait until 6pm weighs heavy on the soul. You decide to watch TV, before realising that isn’t allowed either, and nor are games consoles. Unable to even console yourself with the gentle spinning of the tumble dryer, you’re forced to play games on your phone, like an animal.

Obsess over the money you’ll save

Indulge in an hour-long daydream about how much you’re saving, beginning with the purchase of a Charlie Bigham pie and improbably ending up with you owning a chateau. With luck you could put away £20, which in the current economic climate will buy you milk and one of those half-loaves of bread. Own brand obviously.

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Second children have fewer baby photos because they are loved less, confirm parents

PARENTS have announced that they do not bother to take photos of their second children because they are not as special.

Confirming the suspicions of second and subsequent children that their lack of photographic record is due to their unpopularity, parents are now hoping their less important children will ‘shut up about it.’

Mother-of-two Charlotte Phelps, who documented every moment of her eldest’s development, said: “We’re not too busy running around after you. That’s just an excuse.

“The truth is the novelty wears off and you simply aren’t that bothered about the second one onwards. It’s all the same anyway, first steps and first words and all that shit.

“And then my youngest’s always moaning about there not being any photos, which is yet another thing making him less loveable than his wonderful sister. When will he realise he’s brought this on himself?”

Father of five Martin Bishop said: “When you’ve got as many as I have the last one only ever pops up in the background of other people’s photos, like a rumour or a ghost.

“Do I love him? Definitely, of course I do. About as much as I love the eldest’s hamster.”