CHASING a National Grid pay-out by not using the oven for a whole 60 minutes? Here’s how to survive without it for the length of a whole episode of Silent Witness.
Get a takeaway
Man must eat, and it’s literally impossible to do it before 5pm or after 6pm, so like the hunter-gatherers of old you must order in. Pre-prepare excuses like ‘It’s been a long f**king day’ or ‘I don’t fancy what’s in the fridge’. Think of that lovely £3 per kilowatt hour saved.
Go to the pub
The mere offer of cold food could cause you to lash out and lose everything like Jeremy Clarkson, so do what he should have done and stay in the boozer. Pints and Scampi Fries in toasty warmth are fully justified and drinking enough is like insulation. You could manage this every night.
Use the microwave
Why do homes even have ovens? Food can be irradiated into edible condition much more quickly and affordably thanks to microwaves making other cooking appliances obsolete, as Tomorrow’s World informed us in 1970. It’d be like using a mangle when the iron is right there staring at you. All you eat is beans on toast anyway.
Distract yourself
The endless wait until 6pm weighs heavy on the soul. You decide to watch TV, before realising that isn’t allowed either, and nor are games consoles. Unable to even console yourself with the gentle spinning of the tumble dryer, you’re forced to play games on your phone, like an animal.
Obsess over the money you’ll save
Indulge in an hour-long daydream about how much you’re saving, beginning with the purchase of a Charlie Bigham pie and improbably ending up with you owning a chateau. With luck you could put away £20, which in the current economic climate will buy you milk and one of those half-loaves of bread. Own brand obviously.
