Zahawi hoping press don't find out about private island with his face carved into cliffs

NADHIM Zahawi is happy to be investigated as long as the media do not discover his private island with his likeness carved into a cliff-face. 

The Conservative chairman has shrugged off paying £5 million tax, telling friends he has that kind of money just lying about the house, but is anxious that the island, its submersible runway and laser drone defence grid remain undiscovered.

He said: “You know what it’s like. You’ve got a few hundred million sloshing around that HRMC doesn’t need to know about and a prime piece of North Atlantic real estate becomes available.

“Before you know it your offshore vehicles have purchased it and refitted it as the perfect impregnable lair, apocalypse bolthole and monument to your genius complete with face.

“It was just a whim really. I said ‘Doesn’t that cliff look like me?’ and my wife arranged it as a surprise, complete with observation chamber in the right eye, proton cannon in the left and all the sculptors sealed in concrete at the bottom of the ocean.

“But you know what the press are like. They’ll make a big deal of it, acting like it’s not perfectly normal, and next thing you know the politics of envy has claimed another victim.”

He added: “Focusing on my 200ft high face on my private island is nothing but a distraction. The media should be ashamed.”

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How paying for the NHS will work, by the government that brought you Avanti trains and student loans

SAJID Javid here, veteran of many cabinets. I’ve stepped forward as the f**khead suggesting you pay £20 to see your GP. Here’s how the profitable Tory NHS will work: 

Charges start low

The first student loans, in 1992, was £600 a year. Affordable, right? Now it’s £27,000. Likewise GP fees will begin at a reasonable £10, then creep up to £35, then suddenly it’ll be £225 before you can say ‘I think I’m having a stroke’.

Frequent cancellations

Dozens of operations will be cancelled with no consequences for the private companies now running hospitals, often ten minutes before you were about to have surgery. They’ll be announced on an LED board in the hospital foyer when it’s not showing adverts.

Free wifi

In a strange reversal of priorities, you’ll be able to browse the web while haemorrhaging in A&E or during a difficult birth. There won’t be a doctor or midwife available, but you can use it to order a coffee and croissant for £10.

Bizarre competition system introduced

All NHS services will be competing to offer the best, cheapest service. A customer with a spinal injury in Portsmouth can simply go to Aberdeen for treatment, proving the free market is more efficient. Unless your care ticket isn’t valid in that region or it’s off-peak.

No timewasting hypochondriacs

Charges will stop whining fakes clogging up the system. It’ll be easier than ever to see a doctor because millions of skint people will be at home hoping a broken hip or appendicitis will wear off.

New corporate logos

Every NHS organisation will be rebranded so that, for example, Birmingham City Hospital becomes Mid-England Wellness Rapide. You’ll feel much better during your stay in hospital knowing you’re in the hands of the best marketing professionals.

Unprofitable treatments to be cut

Cancer care is notoriously expensive. By contrast, breast enlargements are straightforward. So for every mopey cancer patient you could have loads of nice big pairs of profitable tits. It’s about allocating resources wisely.

A new tier of high-quality bureaucracy

If you can’t pay upfront for your treatment, there’ll be NHS financial advisors on hand to agree a payment plan. They’ll be on commission and will give you the hard sell, so be careful not to go in with a broken ankle and agree to have a leg amputated and a top-of-the-range prosthesis.

A lifetime of debt collection

Much like student loans, bailiffs will hassle you for medical debts you paid off decades ago thanks to our poor record-keeping. Well, we can’t run the risk of someone getting medical treatment for free.