'Let me guess… bribery?' Zelensky asks Johnson

VOLODYMYR Zelensky played a guessing game with Boris Johnson to ascertain why the former PM was in Kyiv this time, it has emerged.

The leader of embattled Ukraine decided to play guess-the-scandal after seeing Johnson arrive, head bowed, wearing a woolly hat and realising something must be terrible wrong at home if he was here again.

Zelensky said: “As Sherlock Holmes said, once you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

“The wallpaper’s been painted over. Partygate’s history. The memoir’s coming out, which will be shit for Britain but hardly warrants a face-saving publicity stunt. Christ, this is a real head-scratcher.

“My first guess was shagging, obviously, but apparently not. Therefore it has to be money. But not your run of the mill Tory tax blunder, sorry Nadhim. It’s got to be something bigger, weirder, possibly involving a beloved national institution. Am I getting warm?

“You defrauded the NHS of £17 million. No, you’ve not got the skills. Made your dog head of the Arts Council? Sneaked a droit de seigneur clause into the Brexit agreement? Stole the Royal train?

“I think I’ve got it: you helped the current chairman of the BBC get his job because he arranged your loan of £800,000. Pretty specific, but that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? It’s nothing to do with securing us tanks.”

Johnson said: “F**k me, he’s good.”

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They can't swear: six reasons why Americans make shit reality telly

TELEVISUALLY, Americans are better than us in every way except they can’t do reality. These are their cardinal errors: 

They can’t swear

Banned from swearing, Americans find out their brother’s knobbing their husband and shriek ‘Gosh darn!’ When Gordon Ramsey was over here he swore so long and so hard it toasted bread.

It’s contrived

British reality TV deals with eternal truths like ‘what if we get a load of vapid people together, let them get bored shitless and then get them pissed?’ America’s so busy pulling off big fake twists to have big fake reactions to it forgets to show real shit like a middle-aged man urinating in a kitchen bin at 2am.

Eternal ad breaks and recaps

The freakishly long and frequent US ad breaks mean that any episode consists of previewing the dramatic thing then endlessly replaying the dramatic thing. The same clip of a woman throwing a drink is viewed 60 times in an hour-long episode.

Everyone’s already hot

Even on Love Island where everyone’s got veneers and tans, there’s still a few whose bold lifelong attempts to be hot are ruined by their faces. In the US with its population of 332 million only the truly gorgeous make it. There’s no tension. All these people are too sexy to ever be hurt.

Nobody knows how to fight

Security had to be sent into the Big Brother house several times a series. Over the Atlantic it’s all posturing and ‘hold me back bro’, which after you’ve seen an X-Factor auditionee grab their mate by the hair for f**king up harmonies just can’t measure up.

The big reveals are dull

Everyone’s on a journey. The perfect emotional-reveal-with-a-single-tear moment is rehearsed. They lose out on $300,000 and they’re so humbled and grateful. Not one of their confessionals matches the lies, bickering and loathing that come out in a suburban kitchen over a Come Dine With Me dessert.